


The Outside

by Amoridere



Series: One-Shots [17]
Category: Kill la Kill
Genre: Agoraphobia, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bittersweet Ending, Curiosity, Family, Family of Choice, Forced Isolation, Foster Care, Gen, Ill Girl, More characters to be added as the story goes, More tags as the story goes, Mystery, Poor Social Skills, Runaway, Secrets, WIP, cloudcuckoolander, hikikomori, parental abandonment, warnings subject to change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:30:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 58
Words: 33,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amoridere/pseuds/Amoridere
Summary: A story I came up with, after having yet another dream (I can't remember too many of the details but it involved a two sisters and the younger not leaving the house because of the older one) and while working on an original fic (the original one came first).Ryuuko's life is anything but typical and it's not that she doesn't know this. She wants to go outside but her older sister, for reasons unknown, structly forbids it.





	1. Life

She never lets me go outside and I never bothered to go outside because, as far as I knew, she'd smack my ass raw. She never told me why I was never allowed to go outside, just that I wasn't allowed outside. Of course, she never went outside in, like, years, so I guess it wasn't all bad but it's boring as hell and I don't hardly have anyone to talk to, as Sis isn't a talker.

Just like why she won't let me outside, I don't know why she doesn't want to go outside, either, and she never said why she doesn't. I guess she was always here and the house, Mom, Dad, and all everything else just materialized around her. It's absurd as hell but I get plenty of time to ruminate on that because I don't get to go anywhere. That wasn't the only absurd as hell thought, though, as, to me, "outside" is the _"Outside"_ because it seems so weird and it's not the _"Inside"_ , so the Outside is a different world altogether, more different than the world I'm used to. 

The only other person I get to talk to is Aikurou but I know him better as "Sugi" and he's a tutor. He tells me about the Outside and, honestly, I think it's weird that Sis would even let him in, since she usually doesn’t let many people in. Did I say "many"? Actually, I meant to say " _any_  "because Sugi is the only one besides Butler Dude she let in and Butler Dude comes once a month. I'm not the only one who finds Sis' ways to be weird and, once, he told me that had half a mind to contact social services because of her ways.

Either because I was scared or because I thought this kind of thing was some ways "normal", I told him not to, that Sis would get mad, or whatevs. He agreed not to but he told me that living like this isn't normal, double because I told him I haven't known and neither could I remember too much of the Outside.

I wasn't lying about that, of course, as I've barely remember being outside, let alone seeing much of the Outside since Sis has the curtains closed all the time and the only time I get to even _see_ the Outside is Sugi comes and that's through the front door.

The outside looks awful nice, to be honest.


	2. The "Outside Girl" and Talking of the Outside

Sis' rules was that I was never allowed outside and I told Sugi this, to which he pointed out that, Sis said I couldn't go outside but I never said she said I couldn't look outside. After thinking about it, I realized that, in all the time that I remembered Sis' rules, I don't remember her saying I wasn't allowed to pull the curtains aside.

Sugi suggested that I do this, when Sis was on the other side of the house, in her book room (she spends most of her time there). At first, I was scared, scared that if I dared to move a curtain, Sats would pop out of nowhere and that I was gonna get it and that I was gonna get it bad, but, after a bit of being scared and a little bit of testing Sis with the curtains while she was in the room, I realized she wouldn't really notice, so long I put the curtains back the way they were, so I won't disturb the balance.

Okay, she didn't react much to that but I decided try opening the window. For once, I smelled something that wasn't either "whatever" and I would call those smells "outside". I guess I, a nearly pale bed-headed girl with skunk-stripe, looked weird poking my head out of a window just sniffing the air and I caught the attention of someone I'd call "Outside Girl".

At that point, I didn't know her name was, so "Outside Girl" stuck for a while and we just talked. I told her, plainly, that I haven't really gone outside and I didn't know or remember too much about the "Outside".

"Why?" she asked.

"Because, Sis says I'm not allowed."

"Why?"

"I don't know why, Outside Girl, just the fact that, ever since I was pretty little, Sis says I'm not allowed to go outside but she never told me why."

"Does she go outside?"

"No, actually, I don't remember her ever going outside."

"What's your name?"

"Ryuuko."

"Okay."

Every other Saturday, she made it a point of business to visit me at the window, when Sats was not in that part of the house. We would talk for a about an hour or less and I found out her name was "Mako" but she didn't mind me callin' her "Outside Girl". When Sugi came, I told him about my new friend and he said, "Hmm, your new friend sounds lovely but have you told your sister about her?"

"No and, to be real honest and stuff, I don't think I want to, as she might flip the fuck out."

"Language."

"Sorry but you know what I mean, oh, at least, Mako gets to go wherever the hell she wants to and she's from the Outside, while Sats tells me I'm not allowed outside for whatever reason and I don't ever bother to really ask because she'd shut me down if I tried."

"I see."

"Yeah, and that's not all. The Outside seems so much fun and, for as long as Sats is around, I can't go to it. What makes that worse is that I don't know why I can't go to the Outside."

"Well, I don't know what exactly could be done about the situation, except to contact social services and get your sister a mental evaluation.”

“Can we not do that? I don’t want Sis to get upset.”

“Okay, well, have you any other ideas?”

“No, not right now but I just want to go to the Outside.”

After I said that, he asked me why I was calling the Outside “the Outside” and I told him that the world that wasn’t inside of the house was an alien world and that he should know that already. He sighed and said, “A girl your age needs sunshine and such, you know, to live normally. Whatever is the matter with your sister, unfortunately, she needs help or, at least, needs some understandings that this sort of thing is really healthy for your wellbeing.”

“I know but she’ll be mad.”

“Okay, how do you know she’ll be mad and, if she does get mad, what do you think she’ll actually do?”

“I don’t know but I don’t want a spanking.”

“Did she say she’ll give you one?”

“No, not really, but don’t people do that when their kids do stuff they don’t want them to do?”

“Not everyone does that and your sister isn’t some omnipotent being.”

“Well….”

“Your sister a human being, however, I wouldn’t say she’s mentally or, on some note or another, physically well but I sincerely doubt that she’d visit severe punishment on you or lock you away more so than what you already are. When you come up with an idea as to how you could go to the ‘alien world’ without incurring some perceived wrath of your sister, feel free to let me in on it and I’ll try to help.” 


	3. Brushing Hair

Like I said before, Sis ain't much of a talker but she decided to talk the day after Sugi came. She commented on how I didn't brush my hair or, rather, she commented on how I didn't do it right, so she called me into my room, sat me down, and said, "Your hair looks like a bird's nest, so it needs to be fixed."

I told her that my hair didn't need to be fixed or anything because no one besides her or Sugi would see it but she insisted on fixing it anyway. This was another one of Sis' weirdness things, as, even if there isn't anything wrong with something, she'd insist that there is and fix it. I haven't forgot the one time she made me wash the dishes twice or the time she told me to alphabetize her books. Then again, I complained that I was bored.

While she was messing with my hair for a long ass time, I asked her if she wanted to know what was outside of the front door and such and I got, "No."

"No?"

"No."

"Do you think you're gonna see it someday?"

"No."

"Why?"

"No."

"Sis--"

"No!"

Sis is usually calm but that kind of tone she had, at that moment, was a harsh whisper and it was a tone of "Don't argue, you won't win", a tone that would shut me up on instant. I stayed quiet for the rest of that. She finished eventually and went about her business. Later, that day, I decided to show Mako that my hair got brushed. Of course, the wind blew and turned it back to bedhead.

As I getting ready to close the window, Outside Girl asked, "When're you gonna come outside?"

I smiled, nodded, shooed her off, and closed the window and curtain. I don't think I really felt that upset before, I mean, Sis is weird and she loves me but I'm not allowed outside for what I don't know why, reasons that Sis doesn't tell me. If I go to the Outside, she's gonna be mad and I don't want her to get mad but I just want to see Outside Girl.

 


	4. Going to the Outside

After a while of talking to Mako, I decided that, if I go to the Outside, Sis was gonna be mad whether I liked it or not and I had come up with an idea. If I had become sick and Sugi saw that I was sick or something, then Sis would have to let go to the Outside. Of course, Sugi would think I was crazy but it wasn’t hard, as I haven’t even been out of in the sun before and, compared to Mako, I was sick-looking. This plan would be foolproof, double, as Sis never goes to the Outside herself.

When Sugi came and while Sis was sleeping, I told Sugi my plan, to which he raised an eyebrow. I told him what he told me about helpin’ me, to which he said, “Alright, fine, but I’d think she’d get worried and upset if you were gone too long, so we must get you home before she suspects anything.” He asked me as to how we were gonna go about the plan and I said, “Be what Sis calls ‘dramatic’, Sugi.”

I would think that he overdid it, then again, I looked like I had fainted and threw up on the floor. Of course, that got her attention and Sugi insisted that I needed “immediate treatment” in a hospital. Because I had to keep up the ruse, I didn’t see and neither did I listen to what she said but I know she was talking louder than usual and that they had a back and forth. It was around fifteen minutes before I “woke up” in Sugi’s car (yes, I know what cars are and what they do).

He told me the whole damn story and that she fell for it. I asked him how and he said, “Well, because the both of you have been living inside and never really went anywhere, she wouldn’t know that we were faking your being sick but she did to lose her nerve, so, obviously, before nightfall, I will have to return you home before she gets suspicious.” Weird, why would Sis “lose her nerve”? Damn, Sugi and me did overdo it. While I was thinking, Sugi said, “Now, let’s go find this friend of yours.” I told him that Mako told me that she lived at the far end of the road, her address being 1890 Oyster Way, on the corner, exactly.

He pulled up to which house had the number Mako told me and led me of the car. Mako's house looked hella different than mine, really, then again, I don't really know exactly what my house looked like, as I've never been to the Outside but I guess Mako's house is smaller and more shaped like a brick or something. It had two levels and was painted yellow, along with looking oldish or what I could call "oldish".

By the hand, he led me to the door and knocked, asking if Mako could come out to play. The lady he was talking to was Mako's mom, as I would find out, and Outside Girl has told her so much about me. "Oh, she's small thing, practically, is she alright?" she asked, looking at me, to which Sugi explained that I just don't get out much and this is one of my first time getting out in awhile. The Mom shrugged and said, "Okay, I'll get Mako and let her know that you're here."

I don't think I could have been happier, honestly. Mako and me talked for awhile and I told her that whole thing about playing sick so Sis would let me out of the house. We spent all day playing, talking, and laughing before Sugi reminded me that I had to get home so Sis won't suspect anything.

I wanted to stay, stay with Mako and play in the Outside, but Sis would be mad if she found out that she was tricked, so after a longish hug, Sugi had to bring me home.

When he brought me home, he made up some bullshit that I was deemed well enough to come home so Sis wouldn't ask questions. Sis seemed more off than usual and believed what he said. While they talked and after Sugi said what he said, while she grabbed me in a hug, I noticed something else, something way weird.

She left the door unlocked, which is something she usually doesn't do, as she's real strict about locking the five deadbolts. Besides that and the business with the candles, she was sitting in wait in the chair, with that black shawl draped around her neck and such. She had been there all day, waiting for me to come home.

As soon as Sugi left, she locked all of the locks, blew out all of the candles, and hurried me upstairs to bed.


	5. Bedrest

When Sugi came the day after that, Sis told him I had to have my lessons while in bed. I guess she had fell for that trick a little too well. This went on for a few days and I hated it, double because I am pretty sure that Mako was looking for me at the window and I am all but sick. I told Sugi that, next time, I had better get sick on for real and on purpose. Of course, Sugi is the smart one and told me that, while the way she's acting now doesn't make any sense, then, if I got sick for real (and on purpose), she'll act worse.

"How?" I asked, and he told me that Sis' ways are already weird and that she's "overprotecting" me, so a fake illness threw her off but a real one will do far worse. "Sis is the 'sick one', Sugi, sick in the head, and I hate being in bed all of the time. I wanna get up and go to the Outside again." I said, folding my arms around me.

"Well, like I said, she's not mentally well and, frankly, I think social services should be called but you insisted that I'd not do that, so, unless otherwise, my hands are tied."

"Yeah, well, my hands have always been tied, your point?"

"My point is that, in your present situation, there's not to many things you can do, unless otherwise."

"Yeah, I guess, but I had an awful lot of fun going to the Outside and playing with Mako and I'm tired of sitting in bed, Sugi."

"Yes, I know, but I don't think we should pull that stunt again. Speaking of that stunt, what was that business with the candles and the shawl?"

"I don't really know but she's done it before. Don't remember when but she's done that before when there was a 'tragedy'?"

"Do you remember when or what that tragedy was?"

"No, I don't, Sugi. I don't remember or know a lot of things. "

"Do you even know your sister's name?"

"Sis."

"Besides the name that you and what she calls herself."

"No, she's always been 'Sis', just 'Sis', and nothing else."

"You know, for the time, I had been working with you and such, I don't know much about you, really, do you have a more competent gaurdian?"

"You mean anyone else?"

"Yes."

"Oh, well, not that I remember. Mom left and I don't remember what happened to Dad."

"Hmm, I see, well then, it seems you both need more intervention than what I've thought."

"I wanna to the Outside but I don't want anything to happen to Sis."

"Okay, do you remember anything about your mother?"

"Not really, just that she and Dad got into a fight and she left. At least, that's what Sis told me."

"Alright, I'm gonna give you this."

"What?"

"If things don't improve, show any signs of improving, or if I find something indefinitely out of line, then social services will be called, no questions."

He left once my lessons were over and the next day, Sis said I could get up. I was back to waiting at the window.


	6. Friday

Mako usually visits on a Saturday but, weirdly, while Sis decided to sleep in, I found her waiting for me on Friday with her bike. I guess there was no school that Friday, as Sugi also didn't come for my lessons.While Sis was asleep and after making it look like I was still there (Sis isn't too big on attention and I'm quiet most days), I decided to go the Outside once again and go play with Mako. I snuck out through the window and we went off to the park.

Before we decided to play, Mako asked me many questions and I told her that Sis wanted to sleep in for some reason, so I decided to sneak out just to hang out with her.

"Okay, but won't be she mad?"

"Not if she doesn't find out."

"But you faked being sick and she overreacted the last time, don't you think she'll do that again?"

"Yeah, but I'm not faking sick this time and she sleeps a while, so what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

"Okay, but what's going to happen to you when she does know?"

"I don't know."

"What did Sugi say the last time ya' talked to 'im?"

"He told me he was gonna call social services if something weird came up. I don't want him to call social services."

"Why?"

"Because, well, I don't want anything to happen to Sis."

We played a little while with Mako's bike, until I got hurt something bad. Mako helped me sneak back into the house, however, she asked, "Won't she notice that your leg got hurt?" I told that I'd lie and say I fell down the stairs. She shook her head and told me that falling down the stairs makes noise and she's pretty sure that would have woke her up. I told I'll say that I fell down the basement stairs or something. Before she left, Mako glanced up and shook her head.

By reading a book, I learned how to set my leg back and patch myself up. Sugi was definitely gonna have a ball.


	7. Final Straw.

I told Sis that I fell. Just that and nothing else and she took it in. Sugi, however, ain't no fool and the moment he noticed my leg was in a splint, he said, "That's it and this is the last straw. Social services will have to be called." I begged him not to and told him why my leg was the way it was but he told me what he said the last time. He told me that he let everything else pass but this had did it, especially because I got hurt and my leg is not in line.

"The fact that you snuck out, something that you probably wouldn't have done otherwise if she have let you go outside whenever you wanted to in the first place, and that your sister believes that a simple fall injured you that grievously as to where you might have permanent damage if left untreated any longer proves that, so I'm sorry but you need to be placed in more reasonable circumstances and, perhaps, if we're successful, maybe we can locate your mother." he said, his arms crossed and while he shook his head.

I hoped he wouldn't tell Sis that I might be taken away but he told and, while Sis ain't much of a talker, she seemed to be crying. Apparently, she decided that being quiet wasn't so helpful as I did hear her talk between her whimperings and such, asking that Sugi reconsider but he stands tall, saying something of, "This isn't right and you know it, so you know I don't have a choice but I am sorry." Sugi left after that.

She hurried into my room and held onto me tight, as if to keep me from being taken away. She stayed like that for awhile, until about 1:00, where Sugi came back with a fat lady and someone in uniform. "Sweetheart," the lady called me, "you have to come with us and we won't hurt you." Sis pulled me away and held onto me even tighter than before. Usually, I liked the idea of going to the Outside but this was a time where I didn't.

As said before, I didn't know anything different and I definitely didn't want anything to happen to Sis but my sneaking out of the house forced Sugi's hand. She held onto me so tight that the one in uniform had to call for someone else and they pried her off of me and pulled me away.

I was put in the back of a car with Sis calling my name and screaming. She didn't bother to come the Outside, probably because she was didn't want to or because they held her back. The Outside, today, had rain and the rain had fell on me. It got rainier when I could hear her screams going through the motions. The car pulled off with me inside looking out the window.  The whole thing, honestly, didn't feel real, even though I knew it was.

This was the final straw and I was being taken away.


	8. The Home

Mako came to visit me at the Home. I hadn't been there long but that's where I was gonna stay for awhile. I didn't want to stay there but Sugi and the Old Lady said I didn't have a choice, so I would stay there. I know what that tends to have. There are many other kids staying here and a lot of them seem "ass backwards". I told Mako this and she said, "Seems like a nice place."

"Eh, it kinda is but I miss Sis and Sugi doesn't know if she'll visit."

"What happened to her since you were taken away?"

"I don't know, Outside Girl."

"Have you tried calling her?"

"No, but Sugi tried calling her for me and she didn't answer. He said he'll try again though."

I told her about other things in the Home, about how some boy and girl follows me around and that they let me go to the Outside but I gotta be back in by a certain time. Mako suggested that the boy and girl just want to be friends and that I try talking to them. I suppose I could do that, after all, Mako only visits when she doesn't have school and I usually don't have anyone to talk to besides Sugi.

Later, that night, after dinner time (which was great because it was mac 'n four cheese night), I decided to ask them why they were following me around. The boy shuffled and looked at the floor but the girl, with a 'mousy voice', said, "It's because you'we interesting."

"How?" I asked, my eyebrows up.

"Because youw have something that we don't have."

"What's supposed to mean?"

The boy looked at me from the floor and said, "You have family outside of here. Nui and I wards of the state with no one and nothing." Honestly, I never heard of a "ward of the state" but I did find out that the girl's name was "Nui". I asked him as to what the hell what he said was and I got the answer, "Wards of the state are kids with no parents, families, or a even fost either one of those, so they stay in places like this."

"But I have a home, with Sis, and I was taken away."

"Well, yes, you do have a home and a sister, I guess, but you were put here because she deemed an 'incapable gaurdian' for some reason or another."

"Yeah, I know. Sugi's hand was forced, so he called social services."

"Sugi?"

"My tutor and one of the few people I have to talk to."

"Oh, why exactly did he call social services?"

"I snuck out to the Outside, played with Mako and her bike, and got hurt, along with lying to Sis that I fell, that it wasn't than big a deal. He saw that and said it was last straw."

"Hmm, describe this 'Sis' you talk about."

"Sis is my sister and I don't really know her name. I've lived with her since I was really little and since Dad's been gone. "

"What happened to your dad?"

"I don't know and neither do I remember and Mom left a long time ago."

"Precisely. That's what makes you different, in a sense, from Nui and I."

He told me that he did have family, once, but he was "surrendered" to the system and they couldn't find a good placement for him, while Nui had been there for about a year and a half and no one is sure why she's here . I asked if people ever get out of there and Nui told me, "Not really." and the boy said, "Kids either stay here until they get a foster home or until they go back to their families, that is, if they do. Some kids stay here until they're adopted or until they get too old to stay."

"Get too old?"

"Until they turn eighteen."

"Oh."

We talked until one of them ladies from around here told us it was time for bed. Before I went to sleep, I asked the boy if I'd ever see Sis again.

He told me he didn't know. 


	9. Birthday

I was born on October 19th. I remember that Sis would make me a cake and that the idea was always something little, as besides a cake, I don't remember any presents.  On my birthday, Sugi surprised me with a box of my old things and such, saying, “She placed these outside on the porch for you with a note that these were your favorite things."  Those things were a little old, especially the stuffed animals.

Sis patched them up many times. To get them was lovely but, when I asked about Sis, I got nothing lovely. He told me that, if she hadn't came to visit by now, then, odds are, she won't really visit me at all, especially if she's been "agoraphobic" (whatever the hell that means). I told him that she hates the Outside and won't ever come here, so I asked if I could go visit her, to which he said, "Well, that depends on how your social worker feels about it."

"Why does how she feels matter? Sis is my sister and she's the only family I really knew."

"Yes, yes, but, remember, you were taken away and your sister's mental state is questionable. Basically, she has to be deemed not  a danger to herself."

"Have ya'll found Mom?"

"They're still searching for her, so not yet."

"When will they find her?"

"We don't know but we do know that you'll be staying here for a while."

That night, Nui and the Boy surprised me with something special. "We heawd it was your birthday, so we got you a little something." Nui said, while the boy showed me a cookie. He told me that kids around here aren't usually allowed to have extra sweets but him and Nui managed to snag an extra one while they weren't looking. As she said that, the boy said he's called, "Iori."

 


	10. Hospital

**Music Playing:** _["Tsugumi"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYxUG8ySdms) _ by Yasuharu Takanashi

* * *

I wanted to hear about Sis but I didn't want to get bad news. I was sitting in my room at the Home playing with Mako, Nui, and Iori with Legos and such, when Sugi and my social worker came in. They asked to speak with me alone but said I could bring my piggy plush.

 They brought me away from everyone and sat me down. They asked if I was comfortable and such, to which I told 'em I was. The social worker looked at Sugi and Sugi looked at me before he said, "This is hard but, unfortunately, I'm not going to sugarcoat it." I asked him what this was all about and he told me. He told me that a neighbor or somebody went to check up on Sis and her door was unlocked.  I thought that was weird because Sis never leaves anything unlocked but then he told me something worse.

He told me that they found Sis and she didn't seem "right" and that she had a few candles lit. He told me that the neighbor called the hospital and the hospital came and got her. She didn't fight it when they came to take her, even though she hates the Outside. He told me they didn't know what was wrong with her but that she'd be staying there for awhile. "If all looks well, maybe you'll be allowed to visit her." he sighed.

  I didn't play more after that whole conversation and the other ones knew why. I told 'em anyway, saying, "Taking me away killed Sis." Nui asked how and I told her that Sis was in the hospital and that I didn't know but I knew it was bad. "How bad?" Iori asked me.

"Bad enough that she even left the door unlocked and that she didn't fight it when they came and got her."

"Oh...."

"She hates the Outside, Iori, and she _never_ leaves the door unlocked. She only left it unlocked that one time and that was it."

"How long is she going to be in the hospital?"

"I don't know, just that she's gonna be in there for a while."

"Will you get to visit her?"

"He said if all looks well."

Nui turned around and around before asking, "Why does she hate going outside?" I told her that I didn't know and Iori said, "Maybe she got sick sometime in the past and the whole thing traumatized her, so she stays inside. Since she didn't fight being taken from home, I would guess that she probably knows how sick she is."

"Do you think she's gonna make it?"

"That I don't really know, I mean, if she's in the hospital, she's probably very sick but I doubt that she has anything fatal."

   A week and a half after that, I got dressed up nice and Sugi brought me to see her. She had these tubes in her and such. I had to be quiet. She woke up and looked around, scared, but then she saw me and she seemed to be fine. We sat for a while looking at each other before I told her that I was being really good, that I had my birthday, and that I made a couple of new friends but, most of all, that I missed her. For the rest of visiting time, I clung to her before Sugi told me it was time to go back to the Home.

  While he was pulling me away, Sis started to scream again and the nurse who was there said something about us getting her upset, turning up her nose.


	11. "Family"

Sis was the only family I knew and nobody knew where my mom was but I guess I wasn't entirely alone. Iori and Nui sure knew how to make things better when Mako or Sugi weren't around. These two were just weird but the other kids in the Home were weird, well, the other ones were ass-backwards. Iori and Nui weren't really ass backwards, they were just weird. Weird but really nice and they seem to be doing the stuff that house parents don’t do. I felt halfway tempted to call them “Mom” and “Dad” because they acted like a mom and dad would be.

By this point, with their help, I got used to the idea that my mom won’t come back and that Sis’ll be gone soon, so I may as well find someone to make me whole again. Thinking about that would make me curl up in bed and cry. Iori and Nui would know and there they’d be right there, never far away. They would just be there and then things be okay. Besides Mako and Sugi, I had no one else, as I don’t know where Mom is, Dad’s long gone, and Sis is in the hospital, really sick.

Of course, they were here because they also didn’t have anyone else and, of all the other ones, they chose me to cling to. I’d be damned if my mom came back and I had to leave them. I hated being alone but these two were alone long before me, with Iori being here way longer than the either of us.

Once, I curled up in bed and started that crying again. Iori and Nui was there like always and the first of two asked me what was the matter. I told them I didn’t want Sis to be alone, especially if she had to go. “I mean, she hates the Outside, scared of it, and, in the hospital, when Sugi was taking me away, she started screamin’. If I’m not there when she goes, she’ll be scared and she won’t go in peace or whatever. I’d like to see her one more time, just as she’s going.” I told him, before saying how, up until now, Sis was the only family I knew and, since nobody knows what happened to Mom, I don’t really have anyone else.

Nui went on to explain that family doesn’t have to be related and, while nothing can take Sis or Mom’s place, I still have a family.

I was their family, too.


	12. Going Back Home

**Music Playing:** _["AdラLib"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeqUF15ySCU)_ by Hiroyuki Sawano

* * *

 

Once, the four of us decided to have a walk around town. When we were walking around town, we found our way back to my house. It had been awhile and I could smell winter coming. I could feel the tears starting We stood in front of the house before Nui said, "Well, let's go inside." Mako voted for anything but that, saying, "It could be locked." while Iori just shrugged. I guess we came to the conclusion to just do some poking around in the house, Iori saying, "Maybe there's something in there or, rather, still in there."

We walked around the house until we found the window where Mako and I first met. That window, weird, was still unlocked and we managed to get inside the house. Everything was just about how Sis left it when she was taken away but the doors were locked. Her candles were blown out and everything was pretty much covered in dust. Tears were rolling down my face.

Besides the dust, everything was pretty much the same. For a moment, I thought about tidying it up nice, just the way Sis would have liked it but there was no way in hell I would be staying here and, for all I knew, Sis won't be coming back. I decided to show them around, showing them the house but things got hazy when I showed them my room.

Nothing too much had changed, except everything was back to being nice and neat, along with what Sis would call "threadbare" (she uses weird words). I remembered that Sis sent a box of my favorite things to the Home. I could almost cry because it was like I was never even there to start with. _Sis, I'm sorry. I'll try to make it right, honest._

We walked around a little bit more before coming to Sis' room. Now that I think about it, I've never been in Sis' room before and I've only peeked in it. Nui suggested that we go and snoop around her room and I almost said, "But Sis'll be mad and we''ll all get it when she gets home." but I didn't and just said, "Okay."

We didn't snoop around much until Mako opened up the drawer to her nightstand. There was a bundle of envelopes and such and a big-ass book. The envelopes were all to Dad before they started having the name "Satsuki Kiryuuin" and they were from someone named "Ragyou".

We took the book and envelopes with us back to the Home and I made damn sure to stash them in my room. Nui and Iori saying we'd look over them when we get the chance.


	13. Letters and Pictures

Mako couldn't come visit and the weather was too cold for the house parents to let us out, so it was just Nui, Iori, and I and we were sitting in my room. We decided to take a peek at that bundle of envelopes we found in Sis' room. Like I said before, they had Dad's name but then they started to get the name "Satsuki Kiryuuin". I told 'em I didn't know who that was and Iori said, "Maybe that's your sister's real name."

"Huh?"

"Well, you said you didn't really know her name and you knew her better as 'Sis', so 'Satsuki' could be her real name, odds are, especially if she was your guardian. Certainly, she couldn't have put 'Sis' on any papers of any sort."

"Then how come I wouldn't know what her real name is?"

"Probably because she introduced and addressed herself as 'Sis' and so you know her only as such."

   He went on to point out who the letters seemed to be coming from might be my mom. Nui and I looked at each other and he answered our questions with, "Well, the person who sent these have the same last name you, your sister, and your dad do and the fact that your sister said your mom left."

We talked a little bit about the letters until I said, "I don't remember what Mom looked like." Nui pulled out that book and said, "This is a photo awbuwm or so I think it is. Maybe we should open it up."  We opened the book and found out that it was that thing that Nui said it was. There were pictures and the first picture we saw was when my parents got married.

  Iori pointed at the lady in the picture and said, "That must be your mom and she does look like you." and then Nui pointed at the streak in her hair saying, " See? You have stweaks in your hair just like this lady."  We would turn the page and saw another picture of Mom and Dad holding a baby. We didn't really need to guess who the baby was because it was obvious that the baby was Sis, however, they weren't at home, actually, they looked like they were in some kind of room.

The room was weird but it had other babies in it and those babies were in boxes and had tubes and things, just like she was. "Mom" and Dad looked worried and sad but they still smiled.  I couldn't make sense of why they could be worried and sad and still be happy. I asked Iori as to why that was, to which he said, "Maybe your parents are smiling because they were happy to have her but they were upset because they probably thought they might not have had her very long."

"Why?"

"From what it looks like, she might have come into the world early because, usually, when babies are in those things, called 'incubators', they came early or she was probably born sick."

 The picture after that was with Mom holding Sis and feeding her with a bottle. She wasn't in that thing Iori said was an incubator but she still had tubes in her. A lot pictures with Sis as a baby had her in the hospital and such until later.  We looked through the pictures and found that Sis really was a weird kid, who lived inside the house. Then again, she's also in bed for some of those pics.

She got older and there was a picture with Mom, Dad, and her sitting together, except Mom's stomach was looking huge. The pic after that was a picture of me and Mom. I was a baby in that picture and I think we were in a hospital. I wasn't in a box like Sis was, so I guess I was fine. Mom seemed happy but tired and the pic after had the three of us, Mom, Sis, and me.

 Sis, however, had a tube in her arm, and had tubes in her nose, along with being in her pajamas and having them circles under her eyes. She didn't look "right" but with Mom and me, she looked a better, when she was with us. There were plenty of pictures with the four of us, then three, and then just us two. She seemed to be getting better and better, at least just a little bit, but she looked like she could break.

After looking at a lot of the pictures, Iori said, “Huh, these pictures seem to explain a lot of things.” and Nui was agreeing with him. Nui pointed out that a lot of the pictures either had Sis in the house or in the hospital and Iori went on to say, “I think the reason your sister is agoraphobic is because she knows little else and, being sick all the time, basically didn’t give her much to work with. Likewise, your sister was probably hurt deeply when your parents split and then your dad dying and it sent her over the edge.”

I asked him as to what the hell that had to do with anything, to which he, with Nui nodding her head, said, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that her life hasn’t been ideal and she loved you more than anything, so she decided to take care of you in accordance to what she was used to.”


	14. "Rae Lynne"

I told Nui them social workers suck and that I was tired of waiting, so I told her and Iori that I had a plan. That plan involved busting out of the Home and going to where I think Mom is. Honestly, I thought her and Iori were going to talk me out of it and such but they didn’t and thought about going along with me, well, Iori mostly ‘cause he knew someone who could help us, while Nui just ‘cause she wanted to (she’s like six or something).

I had some doubts, that I ain’t gonna lie about, that Sugi were gonna be pissed but Mako said, “Well, won’t know until you try. I mean, if social services haven't gotten a hold of her, then you're better off finding her yourself." I didn't tell what I thought or what my plan was to Sugi because I knew he'd say it's a "nonsense idea" or something like that. I mean, as far as I knew, I had to find Mom because she was the only one who can really make things right.

The night we decided to kick shit into motion, it was cold, we made it seem like we still in bed, packed some of our shit up, and dodged the cameras, Iori showing us the way to this place with a bunch of "house cars" , saying, "I know this lady by the name of 'Rae Lynne Hubbard', it's what she calls herself, and she lives around here. She's a really nice lady. " He told us that he told her he'd be coming. He didn't tell us exactly as how he knew about Rae but he told us that she only prefers "Rae" and she never goes by her real name (whatever that is).

I wanted to know as to how he could tell her house car from the other things like it but he could and Rae answered the door right then and there, her hair in them doohickymajigs and she was in her pajamas, saying, "Damn, son, I tried to stay awake the entire time but you know my bedtime schedule. Anyway, get your asses in here and we'll leave first thing tommarow morning."

The next day, before she sun came up, we woke up to a motor going with Rae saying, "Sorry, hon, we gotta get the hell out of dodge and fast before they find out, also, your mama most likely don't live in the state." She then told me to go on back to sleep, not to peep out through the windows, and that we'll be out of town in no time. 


	15. "Change"

Rae was driving for a while before we stopped off into the middle of who knows the hell where, where no one would see us. When she was sure no one would see us, she came to the back where we were and said, "Sorry, kids, anyway, I had to make absolute sure no one would see you, especially since, you all are officially 'missin' kids' and we know how that works."

She seats us at the table and went about fixing breakfast. While she was doing that, she starts asking questions, telling us that no one else will hear us and such. She snapped her fingers and asked what my story was but I just eyed her, so Iori answered for me, "She's Ryuuko Kiryuuin."

"Okay, I know that much and you told me something about her looking for her mama but you didn't say why."

"Like Nui and I, she's in foster care but she's only there until we find her mother."

"Does she have anyone else?"

"Well, she did live with her sister but she was taken away and her dad's gone."

"Anything wrong with her sister?"

I guess I found out I could talk, telling her that my tutor said it was the last straw and they took me because I snuck outside and got hurt. Rae was confused as to why I had to had to sneak outside but she just went with it. As she got our plates ready, she told us that we had to go by different names. I didn't know why, so I asked and she told me, "You want to find your mama, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Then that's why we have to use fake names."

She told me that, if we had to go out, then my name was "Rylie Seraphine" (she couldn't decide on one fake name), Nui's name was "Nancie" , and Iori's name was "Shiloh." and that we had to "change". I didn't know what she meant by that, just that it was what Sis would probably call "necessary", so that meant we had to "change".

After breakfast, she measured my hair and then she started cutting it, until it was pretty short (shorter than Mako's) and then she put a barrette in it. Nui's hair was brown but Rei "bleached" and made it a yellow. Iori, well, she didn't do much with his hair, just dyed it black, black like an ink pen, and gave him these things called "freckles". Honestly, I think she gave him too many because he looked weird as hell.

"They're probably gonna be looking for a girl with shoulder length hair, a girl with long brown hair, and a boy minus freckles and black hair." she explained, looking like she kind of messed up something.

She went back to driving and such before saying something under her breath, "Maybe I should fatten the little one a little, that might throw 'em off."


	16. Dad

We hardly ever stopped for anything, double because, according to Iori, Rae hardly ever leaves her house, unless she runs out of food. He never said why but I guess it's because Rae's a weird one. One night, after driving for a while, we had a talk. I was telling Iori and Nui about what I remembered from when I was little.

I was telling him about how I don't remember my dad much and that I didn't remember what he looked like but I remember that Sis got torn up about it. I told him about how I didn't understand what happened or why, just that Sis was upset about it. I guess I got Rei's attention and she asked, "Who was your dad?" I showed her the letters with his name one them.

She squinted real hard before she put on magnifying glasses and read the names on the letters before she said, "Oh, I knew this guy." I asked her as to what she knew about my dad and she said, "Oh, he was an awful nice guy, real nice, and it was awful what happened to him." She wasn't looking at me anymore and started looking at the floor. She sat down at the table and waited awhile before I asked her again.

"He passed away, honey bun."

"I know that, kinda, but what happened to him?"

"Oh, hon, it was awful."

"Rae!"

"I met him when I was going to the grocery store and we struck up a conversation while he was helping me carry my things to the RV. He was telling me about his daughters and how he was worried about 'em when his wife left."

"And...?"

"A week later, while I was watering my flowers, I heard on the news that there was a really bad car accident, where a compact got T-boned by semi-truck and a drunk driver driving an SUV. I recognized the compact on the news as his and, apparently, he couldn't get out the way. I'm so sorry, hon."

I wasn't sure how to feel about that. I knew Dad wasn't coming back but I never knew why exactly. I remembered Sis saying something about a tragedy, lighting those candles, and wearing that black shawl and that Dad never came back. _Sis, was this that 'tragedy' you were talking about?_

While she was putting us in bed, she said, "It's okay, you can cry, there's nothing wrong with that. We'll understand."


	17. Snow

I knew what the seasons were but I hadn’t really seen them until, what Sis would say, recently. I had a basic clue and that clue was that leaves fall during, well, the fall but I didn’t know anything about that “white stuff”, especially since I had never seen it, except for that one-time Sis read to me. It was a long time ago that she did that and I hadn’t exactly learned how to read at the time she did that, along with that I didn’t remember what the word for it was.

I peeking out of the window at it for the longest time before Rae pulled me away, and said, “I thought I told your little ass not to look out of the damn window, now why in the hell are you looking out of it?!” I told her I just got bored was all and asked her what the white stuff was. She gave me a funny look, a look of half confusion and half the kind of look someone might get if someone said something stupid. She looked at me for a while before saying, “That’s snow outside.”

“Snow.”

“Yes, snow, that’s snow outside. Haven’t you seen snow before?”

“No.”

“Why the hell not?!”

“Because Sis said had the curtains and such closed and I was never allowed outside. I saw something like it in a book.”

“What book?”

“A storybook Sis read to me, once, a long time ago.”

After that, she sat me down and explained what snow was and that it was “wintertime”, which meant it was gonna get colder. She went back to what she was doing, mumbling, “I guess I’ll have change tires or something…” I didn’t know why she had to change tires but I hated the idea of finding that out the hard way. At bedtime, I asked Iori as to why Rae would to change tires, to which he said, “Because her tires aren’t meant for driving in snow.” I asked him why and he told me that her tires are regular off-road tires, not winter off-road tires, and that she’d have to change them so she won’t be stuck.

At the time, I didn’t know what that meant but I knew being stuck was probably bad news. That night, while the three of us were sleeping, we woke up to something of a **_*BOOMPH!*_ ** and Rae saying almost every nasty word in the book. Nui asked her what happened and she said, “Blizzard happened, damn!” She told us to stay put and that she had to go into town, which was about, what she said, over hill and that she had to walk, along with that she hit a tree because she couldn’t see.  

We looked out of the window and saw lights over the hill. She put a bunch of stuff on and said, “Now, I need you all to stay put and, if you need to call for help, give them your fake names. I’m gonna go into town.”  

   We saw her walk away and we waited all day the next day but she never came back.


	18. Stories

**Music Playing:** _[Akihito no Kyouchuu](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VC90UGVCIOQ) _

* * *

 We waited but Rae didn't come back, so, we just sat huddled together, as it's not like we had anything else to do, except to do what Rei said. At least, the damn thing had gas and shit so we won't freeze but I didn't like the idea of staying put. We were sitting like that for a little while, 'til Nui suggested we tell stories and such.

Iori didn't think nothin' else, so he decided to tell us about why he was put in the system. He told us that, yes, he did have a family but things didn't work out. "My dad died and then Mom left me with my grandparents. She died when I was six and my grandpa died after that. Grandma lost her mind and I was sent to live with my mom's uncle. He couldn't take care of me, so he gave me away. I haven't seen him since." he said. He told about the homes he was sent to after that but social services figured he'd be better off in the Home until he got too old to stay.

Nui, at first, didn't want to tell her stories but she would tell them after about ten minutes. "My mom and dad I don't weally remembew and I was sent to the home when I was fouw (she put up four fingers when she said this)." she said. It wasn't much of a story and she said, for Christmas, she'd like a new family to celebrate with.

I told mine, of course. I had many stories. I told them about how Sis always lived in the Inside and that things seemed mostly okay, as she loved me and such. I told them about a lot of the itty-bitty stuff she'd do for me but, other than those things, she didn't really pay much attention to me. I told them about how I met Mako and how upset I was when she asked when I was gonna come to the Outside. I also told them about the day I was taken away and how Sis screamed and cried.

* * *

 " _Ryuuko~! Ryuuko!"_

* * *

"I wished she would come to the Outside to get me out of the car but, don't know why, she didn't. She just called my name while they took me away. Sis ain't much of talker but hearing all of that was the worst of the worst things I had ever heard." I said, huddling closer to them, something kind of like a hug. We were alone and Rae hadn't came back, honestly, I wished Sis was there but I had to find Mom, find Mom so everything can be right again. I told them everything was my fault because not one bit of this would have happened if I hadn't snuck out on a Friday to play with Mako.

I guess they just wanted to make me feel different about the whole thing, 'cause Iori said, "No, it isn't your fault. If anything, Sugi probably would have called them anyway." I told him Sis got sick after I was taken away and she wouldn't be sick otherwise but he had an answer for that, too, and said, "Ryuuko, your sister would have got sick anyway, as she had been sick a lot before, and, odds are, you'd still be put into foster care because, well, where were you going to go?"

As he was telling me this, Nui said, "Some things happen for a weason but, at least, we have each othew." 

 


	19. Taking a Chance

We waited a little while for Rae to come back but she didn't and the stuff we had was starting to run low. I lost count of how many days but Iori decided to take a peek outside. I told him Rae told us not to and he said, “We don’t have a choice.” He opened the door after trying so damn hard and glanced up towards where the street was. We knew there was a town over the hill but what we didn’t notice was that a rail was broken. His eyes got big and he said, “Oh damn.”

He shut the door and said, “Okay, we have to get to the street or we have to draw attention to where we are because, odds are, people can’t see us, especially since we are in the snow.” Nui and me were scared but we knew we had to do what we had to and that meant leaving the house car. I made that clear as crystal that I was scared but he said, “Yes, I know but, for all we know, Rae could have very well died in that blizzard.”

I didn't want to go out into the cold, especially since I had just found out snow could kill somebody, but we didn’t have a choice. We bundled up nice and got whatever we could carry, along with swiping some of Rae’s money (she’s rich, damn). We went out the door and looked up, towards where the railing was. We would have to climb up there, no choice, but I knew that would be hard because I got hurt a little while ago and that didn’t heal right. Nui, even though she was little, didn’t have a problem but Iori got me around my waist and we went up together.

I guess we got noticed really quick because someone in a car slammed on the brakes when they saw us. They backed up and got out, before asking, “What are you doing out here in this kind of weather?!” This was a scruffy looking dude with that hairdo called a “Mohawk”. Iori explained our situation by saying Rae was our auntie and that she left to get help but didn’t come back, along with that she crashed what we were in while there was a blizzard.

He was confused but said he’d give us a lift to town. While he was driving, we figured out the town was really far, a good forty and a half miles, past the hill. We talked a little while before I asked if he had seen Rae. He almost stopped the car and asked what did I ask and I asked him again, saying, "Her name is Rae Lynne." He looked back at us with big eyes and said, "She's a wanted woman."

"Wanted?"

"Yes, wanted."

"Why?"

"Let me give you two peices of information."

"Huh?"

"Look, one, she's wanted for skipping bail, and, two, Rae Lynne isn't her real name. Actually, her real name is 'Rei Hou'oumaru-Hubbard' and I'm pretty sure her middle name is, if she has one, to my recollections, Lila."

"Oh, what's bail?"

"Bail is what you do so you won't spend time in jail while you wait for trial. She skipped bail thirteen years ago."

Iori was shocked because he, like Nui and me, didn't know that Rae--well, _Rei_ \-- was a wanted woman and that she "skipped bail". Of course, she was so nice and good and those kind of people don't usually go to jail. Mohawk went on to say something about three missing kids before looking back at me, asking, "So tell me, what your names?"

Iori answered that fast, saying, "My name is Shilo, the littlest one is Nancie, and she's Rylie Seraphine." Mohawk had a weird look on his face, a look that I remember Sis giving me when I answered her questions with something she didn't like, a look that said. _"Liar, I know you're lying._ " or something to that effect. To him, Mohawk, we were acting suspect and he said something like, "Hmm, weird."

He told us that I looked an awful lot like a girl that went missing, one that was last seen at the Home. Apparently, the Home actually had a name because he called the place "St. Mary Anne's Home for Children". He went back to driving but said, to me, "You look _too_ much like the girl that went missing." He went on to say that, while we're in town, we're going to make a stop.

Nui, Iori, and me looked at each other and made a deal that, as soon as we stopped, we were going to make a break for it. Exactly as to what he said, we made a stop and, as soon he went into this building with a star (or something), we got out of the car and made it for the nearest wherever the hell out of sight.

We watched Mohawk come out of the building with some dude in uniform and they were arguing, before some more dudes in uniform came out.

"Looks like we really had better start running." Iori whispered, and we did just that before there more of them uniform dudes in uniform came out.


	20. Dream Web

**Music Playing:** _[Kalyan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiWG1_ndDqE) _ by  Fernwood

* * *

 

We were running awhile before we hid in the woods some place. We were long out of sight and were cold, sitting in the snow, scared. We were alone and Iori said we had to find a place to sleep and keep warm fast. We looked around for a little while before came to an empty house. It wasn’t all empty but nobody lived there and, so, nobody lived there. It was covered in dust and whatever but we didn't care as long we were out of the cold.

I didn't know Iori had matches with him. There was a fireplace in that house and he lit a fire, saying, “It’s not likely that they’d see the smoke, we’re too far, really, from any roads, and, therefore, the town. I asked him as to how long we were gonna hide there and he told me, “I don’t really know, however, we won’t stay here long, just a couple of days, at the most.’ I didn’t really care at that point, as I was getting sleepy.

I knew it wasn’t bedtime, of course, but I just didn’t really care. We were hiding and we had a long day, so I decided to lay down a while. While the fire flickered and such, I glanced up towards a window and at a cobweb. I was thinking of Sis, while I did that because, well, who else was a I gonna think about? I was wondering how she was or if she was gone for good. _Sis, are you thinking about me?_

I went to sleep looking at that cobweb. I had dream while I was asleep. I don't how long it was but it was still a dream and it had Sis in it. She was standing pretty far and the world was lit up with candles. She didn't say anything, just smiled with tears running down her face. It was starting to get windy and she said something before she disappeared and the candles went out. I couldn't make out what she said.

I woke up right after that. I couldn't sleep for the rest of the day or night.

The cobweb is still there.

_Sis...?_


	21. Hotel

We didn't eat but, then again, where in the hell are we gonna get food? I found it hard to, what Iori called, "relocate" when I didn't have a damn thing to eat. Nui could run faster than me and Iori practically carried me because of my leg. We made it somewhere else out of the woods and into some basement. Basement had a lot of hiding places. When we got situated, I told Iori that I was hungry and sleepy but "all's right for the cause" I guess. 

He told me that he wasn't really sure as to where we'd get food but we did smell something that smelled like food. He did some looking around before saying, "We're in the basement of a hotel." He told us that, when everything was quiet and such, he'd find where the kitchen was and get us some food. While I was hungry, I wasn't feeling good and Nui told me to just go to sleep for a bit. I couldn't really sleep, not at first, but sleep came soon enough. 

I don't know how long I was sleeping but I was sleeping awhile before Iori woke me up and said, "I brought you something." It wasn't much that he brought but I didn't care and I snatched that sucker up. To most people, a little scrap of bolognie and bread isn't much but I could feel it hitting the bottom and I was so happy to have it, double because I hadn't eaten all day. 

The next day, he snagged us something else. It wasn’t much, like the night before, but it was more than what we had before. He said, that, sometimes, the place throws away food and that managed to snag some of the throwaway food. I couldn’t understand why some places would just toss out food, especially since Sis would be so keen that I eat everything on my plate and I wouldn’t be getting anything nice if I didn’t (lost one pair of shorts that way), but it didn’t matter to me all that much because food is food. After that, Iori started getting smart and bold.

Eventually, the people in the hotel started noticing and we had to leave, again, even more when he spotted pictures of us on the TV.


	22. Cats from Heaven

We hid a bunch of times before that before I had the idea to follow this fuzzy thing into this kind of car called “pickup truck” and the other two followed me. We huddled in there and it started moving but not before I figured out that the fuzzy thing was a cat. It was a little cat but it liked me, so I decided to bring it along. Iori couldn’t make sense of that but he said, “Okay, very well, if it makes you happy.”

I was hugging that cat until we came at what Iori said was a "gas station" and Nui told me that gas stations are where cars go to get gas, otherwise, they won't go. I put the cat in my backpack and we figured out that were in another place, a place way different from where were initially. I took the cat out of my backpack and decided to pet it some more before it jumped out of my hands and ran away.

I didn't want to lose anybody so I jumped out of the pickup and got after it, while Nui and Iori were chasing after me. We were looking for the cat for a little while before we heard meowing from this weird box. It didn't take me too long to figure out that the box was a part of a train. We didn't know if the cat was in there but I got in there and the other two followed me.

We were poking around, looking for the cat, before the train started moving and we had to hide. I was really upset about the whole thing because we didn't find the cat.

"Maybe the cat came fwom heaven," Nui said, "and it lead us to the twain."

I didn't know what any of that meant but I just went with it. We were riding that train for a while. I don't know exactly how long we were riding but I know it was a while and stopped in a railroad on a city.

 


	23. "Pretty"

We got out of the train and went to a city. We didn't have a damn clue where we were but I wanted to look around. Why? I don't know but I guess I wanted to find a spot where we could hide at. That and I was hungry, so I wanted to find food, something to munch on. I was poking around for a little bit before I had someone call say, _"Hey pretty."_ I was confused so I turned around and such before finding some dude.

He was a nasty looking dude with a smile. Well, he wasn't that nasty looking but he looked nasty enough. He didn't know my name but he wanted to talk. He was telling me that I was pretty and asked if I wanted to go with him some place. I got a bad feeling from this dude but I wanted to know what that meant by going with him, so I asked, "Some place where?"

"Oh, where do you want to go?"

"I'm hungry, does that count?"

"Oh sure, there's food where we could go."

Now, I didn't know much of anything but I had a feeling that this dude wasn't a good dude and I wasn't feeling _that_ hungry, not at that moment. I started to back up and I told him I had to find my friends and they're probably worried but he told me we wouldn't be gone too long. At that point, I wasn't hungry anymore and, now, I had to pee, bad. I didn't have anything to drink but I had to pee.

I told him I had to go somewhere but he grabbed my hand with a deathgrip and said, "Whatcha scared of? We're just going somewhere nice and we won't be gone long." He started pulling me along with him and my legs were following. I wanted to scream, to hiss, kick, scratch, bite, whatever the hell but I couldn't. I knew that, if he got his way, then I wouldn't find Mom or see anyone I knew again.

While he was pulling me along, like a flash, I heard glass break and I felt the nasty dude's hand let go of mine. It was like a some miracle or another that Iori found me and bashed that dude's head with a bottle. He was fast in getting me away from the nasty dude and got me to where Nui was. I was shaken up and, honestly, while I don't know how old he is, I thought I was gonna get it, get it bad. Actually, I got something a little different.

He sat me down and said, "We need to have a talk, Ryuuko." I was staring at the ground and said I was sorry. I wasn't going to get my ass smacked red but I was going to get something that would feel like it. I was in for a real "talking-to". He closed his eyes, put his hand over his face, and said, "Yes, you are sorry and, to be fair, you should be. Obviously, you wouldn't know too much of this but you should know better than to be wandering off. Anyway, your wandering off is besides the point, as, from what I will tell you, that guy had no good intentions and that would have been the end of you if I didn't find you sooner."

In a little voice, I told him, "He said I was 'pretty', Iori."

" _Exactly._ You are lovely, certainly, but what do you think he _meant_ by calling you 'pretty'?"

"I don't know but I wasn't trying to go with him."

"Mmm-hmm, when he said you were 'pretty', he didn't mean it in a _good_ way, actually, he meant it in a **bad** way. Had he made it in taking you with him, you would have found out exactly what he meant when he said you were 'pretty' and that wouldn't have ended well. To put it simply, when he said you were 'pretty', he wanted to **_hurt_** you and would have otherwise. The bottom line is that you should be more conscious of your surroundings and the people in them because there might not be a next time."

He left a little while and was gone all day until it past what I could guess what 4:00 in the afternoon. He came back with food and, while we were eating, he said, "Let's not have this conversation again."


	24. Her Voice

**Music:** _[Opening to a Dream (Yume no Sukima)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2h8hXPRt_E) _ by Shiro SAGISU

* * *

 

We settled down that night and huddled together. It was hard to go to sleep but I found it eventually. I was back in the dream world but it was different than the first time. There were candles like the first time but Sis wasn't there. I could feel her but I couldn't see her. I heard her voice and she was singing, which is weird because Sis isn't much of a talker and I don't remember her singing much.

She sounded sad, almost crying. I guess I could cry, too, because I hadn't seen her in so long and I don't really know what happened to her, just that she was really sick and in the hospital the last time I saw her. She was screaming when Sugi brought me back the Home. Honestly, I wondered if that killed her and I hope she knew that I loved her. I mean, she loved me and she did those things because she loved me.

I listened to her singing until the candles went out and I woke up. I woke up crying, calling for Sis. It made no sense to do that but a lot of things didn't make sense and I didn't care. I just wanted her back, to have her there, to hear her voice, just to have things right again.

I woke up Iori and Nui and they were there like before. Different than the last time, I told them about the dream I had and that this dream was different because I could hear Sis but I couldn't see her and I woke up after her candles went out. Nui asked me to as what her voice sounded like and I said, “She was singin’, Nui, and she sounded sad.” I had a lot of questions but the ones I really had were, “What if she died?” I had a lot of “what ifs” but those questions were the biggest and I missed her. For all I knew, I was too late to make things right again and I hated that. I had screwed up when snuck to the Outside and, for all I knew, Sis was gone.

If Mom found out, would she even _want_ me?


	25. "I don't feel very good..."

We were roaming around for a good while but, then, I couldn't hold nothing down and Iori had to carry me around. Eventually, we had to set up shop somewhere and stay until I got better. I didn't get better, actually, I got worse, so much worse. Nui and Iori tried to make things better but then I got a fever and shit got real. Iori had enough and said, “Okay, look, we’ve put this off long enough but we have to get her to a hospital because, well, how else would she get better?” Nui, from what I guessed, wasn’t real, real, happy and said, “Yes, I suppose but wouldn’t they send us back the home?”

   I tried to put on a show and say that I was getting better because I wanted to find Mom and make things right, so I sided with Nui but Iori wasn’t having none of it and said, “No, you are sick and, whatever you got, it’s gotten worse.” I started screaming and whining, while Nui got sulky but he said, “Now, now, in life we all have to do things we really don’t want to do but we don’t have a choice and, if anything, taking you to a hospital and explaining who you are might bring your mother out of the shadows.”

  I was bundled up nicer than what I was because Iori stole a blanket out of somebody’s car when they weren’t looking and, while I was on his back, he carried me to wherever he could find a hospital. I didn't know much about hospitals but I knew I hated them. I don't remember much after that besides that I woke up with tubes in me and that Nui and Iori were there.

  My ears were ringing and my head was spinning. Everything was too damn bright and scary, along with that I had some kind of thing around my wrist. Iori told me that my fever was pretty high and that they called the authorities. "I'm sorry, Ryuuko, I had to tell them everything." When he said that, I saw that his fake freckles were long gone. He probably washed them off his face.

 I didn't ask about those because I already knew so I asked what the doctor said. Nui told me, "The doctors said youw temperatuwe was weally high." and Iori said, "The doctors almost lost it when they found out that you didn't get shots or hadn't seen a doctor at all. "

"What does that even mean, 'ri?"

"Basically, they said you were something called 'immuno-deficient', which, to put that simply, you became really sick because you weren't given shots or had regular checkups."

"Like what happened with Sis?"

"Not exactly. Your sister's health was already questionable, so, her immune system is weak because she was born that way and the fact that she's lived mainly indoors, away from other people, along with probably sterilizing everything. You weren't born that way but you didn't gain too much of any immunity from getting shots or being around other people until recently, along with that we really hadn't been eating too much since we were travelling to find your mother, so, besides slight malnutrition, your immune system isn’t as old as you. To put that simply, you have the immune system of a two-year old." 

"Am I gonna get better?"

"Yes, in due time. When you are well enough, we're going back the foster home."

I told him I didn’t want to go back the Home but he said, “Yes, I know you don’t and we don’t want to, either, but we really haven’t too much a choice. If we try to leave and find your mother now, while you are very sick, you would most likely die.” _Die? Like Sis, I guess._  I figured I may as stay sick because, if I couldn't find Mom, then I'd be damned if I go back to the Home.

    I thought about it and got nowhere with the idea but, then again, at least I'm not alone. However, I had only seen Sis once since they took me away and she was sick, besides that one time, she was alone. Honestly, I wanted to make things right, so things could go back to the way they were, before I decided to sneak out. Of course, I wouldn’t have had to sneak out if Sis let me outside in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should point this out. 
> 
> I did do some research as to whether or not Ryuuko's upbringing could affect her immune system (to be more specific as to whether or not she'd be "immunodeficient" vs "immunocompromised") and there were more yeses than nos on the subject, leading to this chapter.


	26. The Same Hospital Where Sis Was

When I got strong enough and needed a lot less tubes, I was sent to the hospital in the same neighborhood as the Home, the same place where Sis was. Nui and Iori barely left me and spent more time in my room than anywhere or anyone else. We were cozy and fine, just the three off us but I still missed Sis and I wondered where Mom was. Sugi made an effort to visit, along did my social worker, but, one time, they both came and said I could ask them whatever questions I had.

I had questions but I stayed quiet, so Iori stepped up and asked them for me, his first question being 'bout Sis and what happened to her. The old fat lady looked at us and asked, "Satsuki Kiryuuin...?" Iori gave her a funny look and repeated what he asked the first time.

"Oh, alright, well, that's hard to say."

"Then say it, Ryuuko's suffered enough."

"Well, that's something for only Ryuuko to hear."

"You'll make things worse if you make us leave."

He wouldn't budge, not even an inch, even when I saw Nui trying to pull him away and saying something about doing what she said. It was really quiet for a little while before Sugi just said, "Well, she's really had no one to cling to, so, if you're going to break the news, you may as well do it with the Shiro and Nui here in the room."

Dropping whatever she was holding, the social worker threw her hands up and said, "Fine. Look, because of your sister's illnesses, she was transferred to a special care facility until she completely recovers, however,..." Iori waved his hand and said, "Alright, you bitch, out with it."

"However, there's no gaurantee that she'll make it, as her health took a drastic turn not long after Ryuuko's visit and it got worse when she saw the reports on TV in the recreation room."

Right after that, Sugi stepped in and said, "Now, now, we did reassure her that you're alright, so she's made some improvement but not a lot."

In the littlest voice I had, I asked if I'd be allowed to see her. Sugi was really nice about but he told me, "I'm sorry, Princess, we can't be too sure of that."

Before they left, he cracked a smile and said, "In happier news, social services got a call from your mother."


	27. Mom

  **Music**   _(towards the ending portion):_ _[Sister](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPd4MGJrfRM) _ __by Martin Stig Andersen

* * *

 

I got better, just enough to need one tube in my arm. I didn't hear much from Sugi and the Old Fat Lady about Sis and, after all things, I wasn't really sure about seeing Mom. I wasn't all alone, though, as I had Mako, Iori, and Nui to keep my company. I asked them what they thought about Mom coming to see me, to which Mako said it would be good to get to know her, while Iori and Nui didn't say much about it, besides, "At least, we don't have to worry about what happened before."

After that, I needed a tube off and on, until it was off, but I still had to stay in the hospital. Honestly, I was scared about seeing her, especially since I didn't know and I don't remember too much about her besides the picture in the album (I still have it).  Now that I think about, Sis never really talked about Mom and I don't 'emember asking who Mom was or why Sis never talked about her.

Some part of me wanted to see her, especially since she can make things right but the other part of me was kind of scared of her. Scared that she left because of me, scared that she wouldn't want me, scared because I didn't know her. She was a stranger and the last stranger I saw wanted to hurt me. _Would Mom want to hurt me, too?_ I didn't know that or not but I was still scared.

I guess being scared made things worse because I started pissin' in the bed. I haven't really pissed in the bed for a while and the last time I did, well, that didn't end well. Actually, Sis freaked out and made me take a bath. That bath was cold. Of course, the next day she did say, "Sorry." for what she did. Eventually, the hospital put me in diapers because I wound up peeing in my pants. Iori, Nui, and Mako did their best, with Iori telling me that everything'll be fine and that things will work out with Mom, Sis, and me but I still didn't know that.

After I don't know how long, while I was staying in the hospital, I got a visit from my social worker, Sugi, and the lady in the pictures. _Mom_. By this point, a nurse had forced Iori, Nui, and Mako out of the room and I was left alone. I didn't know what else to do, so I started screaming at the top my lungs and I ended up falling out of the bed.

Later on, I woke up, in bed, with the three of them next to me. I was still scared until I saw that Mom was holding my hand and noticed that her hand felt like Sis'. My vision was hazy and I was dizzy, so I couldn't make her out too great but I from what I could tell, besides the streaks in her hair, she looked like Sis. Either because I was dizzy and didn't know what the hell was going on or because I knew, deep down, something was okay, whichever one, I didn't feel scared. At least, not anymore.

   It was a little bit of time before I felt my eyes closing and her hand patting my cheek. I don’t remember too much what happened after that besides that it was late and I was tucked in, along with that I got a teddy bunny to keep my company.


	28. Concussions and Such

**Music** _(Ragyou's portion)_ : _[A Victim's Past Wish (Evolution OST)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwjLr_UUqrc) _ by Falcom Music

* * *

 

The next day, the doctors told me I hit my head and I got a “concussion” but they never told me what that was. When Mako, Nui, and Iori came to visit, I asked them what in the hell a “concussion” was and Mako told me that it was where I hurt my head was all by hitting it on the floor, along with that I should stay in bed. Iori and Nui were curious about Mom and asked me what she looked like, to which I told them, “Oh, besides the streaks, she looked kinds like Sis.”

"What did she feew wike?"

"Like Sis."

"Do you think she'll come and see you, today?"

"I don't know but I think she will."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know, to be honest."

I told them that I still didn't know her and, in all honestness, I still wanted Sis but, for all I knew, Sis was gonna be gone by the time I see her again. By that point, I started to cry and talk about how I didn't want Sis to go. "She's scared," I said, "wherever she is and she's by herself. That's  _not_ a way to go out." The other ones really cared but Mako pointed out that I couldn't do much about the situation besides take it for what it was and that, hopefully, I'll be allowed to see her before then.

We talked awhile until about 6:30 in the afternoon, which was around the time the nurses came to shoo Iori, Nui, and Mako out, with one of the nurses telling me that Mom was coming to see me. While I peed a little, I kind of remembered that I hit my head on the floor the other day.

Shortly after, Mom did come and she sat next to me and held my hand. She was quiet for a little while before she asked me if I wanted to talk or not. I had questions, believe it or not, but I didn't know what really to ask, so I asked her why she left. She looked at the ground and said, "Your father and I had a disagreement. It's so irrelevant now but I left because I needed to think and get myself back together."

"Did you miss us?"

"Yes, I did. I wrote so many letters, trying to get a hold of your father, especially to see how you girls were."

"Dad's gone, Momma, did you know that?"

"For the longest, no, I didn't. I had a feeling something was wrong but I never knew until recently, when I saw your picture in the news and spoke with social services."

"How'd ya feel about that?"

"I was terrified."

"Terrified?"

"Yes, dearest, I was terrified, terrified that something happened to you and your sister. If I had known any of this were to happen, then I wouldn't have left."

"Oh."

"Honestly, I was scared to see you, especially since you were about two, when I left."

She told me plenty of things but, best of all, she told me that she loved us more than anything and that she never stopped thinking about us in all the time she was gone. She wished she had never left. Honestly, I kind of wanted to be mad at her but I was just happy to have her there, especially since I wasn't with Sis and the nurses shooed the other ones out.

She stayed with me a little while but visiting hours ended and I started bawling like a little kid but, like Sis would do, she hushed me and told me that she'd see me again.

I didn't think I'd listen but I did.


	29. "No, not without 'em!"

I got better enough to be sent back to the Home but I wasn't gonna stay there long because I was going home. Honestly, I hated staying in the Home but, weird, I didn't really want to go home, especially not without Iori and Nui. Sure, I was gonna be allowed to visit them but that wasn't enough. They've got nothin' in the Home and they've been with me ever since I first came. I half expected that Mom was gonna drag me out of there but she didn't.

The Parents and my social worker were apologizing and such about the way I was acting but I guess Mom and Sugi could understand. When I was taken from Sis, I was alone, alone with nobody but Mako and we've been through thick and thin, so I'd be damned if I had to leave them at the Home. Of course, while they weren't real keen on the idea, Nui and Iori were encouraging me to go with Mom and live my life but I was insistent that they come.

I was pitching something of a fit for about I don't know how the hell long but then I stopped when I heard Mom ask, "Would it be feasible that they come with Ryuuko and I?" The Parents stared at her and said something about Nui but I held onto them both. If I was taking one, then I had to take them both. They tried to talk her out of it but Mom said, "I understand your concern and it is short notice but they looked after her and, surely, it wouldn't hurt. It's a bit of paperwork but what's paperwork to making a difference?"

It was a back and forth but they threw their hands up and Mom spent two hours signing papers and things. It was near the nighttime in the Outside by the time she was done. I don't know what kind of paperwork she signed but Nui and Iori didn't have to stay at the Home, anymore. I didn't think that Mom would really do that and take them home with us but she did.

I didn't have to leave them behind, so all four of us got to go home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it does take paperwork to sign kids into custody and out and it takes a lot of said paperwork. Ragyou basically signed papers to make Nui and Shiro her foster children, so they aren't officially adopted, yet, but they will be, soon.


	30. "Sis is missing."

**Music:** _[Yuuka's Music Box](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJafV6vDeF) _

* * *

 

I was in the Inside again, with Mom, Nui, and Iori but, still, I missed Sis. Things were gonna be okay but they weren't all the same. It was weird because, while she wasn't there, I could feel her there, just that she was missing. I mean, Mom's here to make everything right again but things weren't all "right again." because Sis wasn't home. I put everything in her room back in their places but the only thing I didn't put back was that photo album.

I had pictures of her but they weren't the same. Besides pictures, when I think about it, I don't really remember too much about Sis besides the things she made me do when I acted up and how she made things better. She did what she did and I got curious about the world that wasn't the Inside but she loved me and I can't think of a world without her in it.

Without thinking, I started going around the house and lighting candles. The others asked me why and I said, _"Sis is missing._ " I guess Mom didn't know that Sis used to light candles for whatever the hell and I told her that, once, Sugi snuck me out of the house so I could see Mako and, when he brought me back, she had candles lit. I pointed to where she was sitting when I got back, where her candles still were there, only they weren't lit.

I started to cry and I told them about how Sis had a few candles lit when they took her away. I told her a bunch of stuff that didn't make sense and then I told her about the dreams I had where Sis would be gone and the candles would be blown out. I told her I had just about everything I could really want but I don't have Sis. I told them that she was scared, sick, and that she hates the Outside. I just wanted Sis to come home was all and, for all I knew, she wasn't going to.

Taking my hand in hers, Nui brought me upstairs, while the other ones came up after. Mom told me we had to talk and we would. She pulled up a chair and said, "It would seem that I may have coddled Satsuki a bit too much and without ever meaning to." We looked at her and she told us about how, for most of her life, Sis was sick and what made Mom leave was a fight she had with Dad.

"Ever since she was born, Satsuki was so sick and so often that, in the few times she weren't, I didn't try to encourage that she try to play outside, especially since she seemed so content keeping to herself and being indoors, but your father had other ideas. She wasn't outside for even less than fifteen minutes and she suffered a severe asthma attack. I was upset about the whole thing and I blamed him, especially since, to me, she wouldn't have had one otherwise." she said, her hand on her face.

She told us about how the asthma attack had almost killed Sis and she was only trying to protect her, especially since she was practically a baby, even though she was twelve, but the whole thing blew everything out of place. She said that, maybe, that was why Sis did almost everything that she did and that she wished she had, at least, taught Sis what to do. She then said, "I've been trying to reach out to your father in all this time and I've never got to make amends. I left about a decade ago and I wish I never left."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's actually a bit more than what's said. 
> 
> Be this as noted, Ragyo, while having a tendency to mollycoddle, didn't forbid Satsuki from going outside, unlike what the latter was doing with Ryuuko. Satsuki could if she wanted to but she didn't.
> 
> On a side note, there's some things Ragyo didn't tell Ryuuko and that was that Satsuki technically wasn't her first, actually, she was the first to be carried to term and conception was difficult, as she had two miscarriages, thus, with Satsuki's fragile health and her coming from a difficult pregnancy and labor, Ragyou felt the need to mollycoddle.


	31. Foregiveness

**Song Playing:** _[Heartbreaking](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFzz5ABfQ20) _ ****by Kevin Mcleod

* * *

 

Between social workers, Sugi's lessons, and such, I never did hear too much about Sis, until about the 18th of December, when Sugi came to bring us to see her. It was a quiet day and it was snowing, along with that it was gray. It was a long drive and the place looked boring as hell. Of course, it also looked really sad. I had bad feeling the entire time we went in there.

A nurse took us to Room 1-000-330 and told us to "behave" and that Sis was tired. We saw her, attached to this and that but she wasn't attached to too much, and she was sleeping, nestled cozy, wearing that black shawl. Honestly, she looked like she was a doll and that I could break her. We were all there and I didn't really know what to do besides climb in bed and snuggle with her, like I did once when I was little. I didn't know if she was gonna make it or if she was gonna go but, I guess, in that moment, I was happy she was there.

She was asleep awhile before she woke up and kinda looked around, until she found me. Like before, she held me close and I could feel her cry. I told her that I was okay and that everything was gonna be okay. I told her I loved her and I missed her, along with that, when she gets well, we'll all be home together. Of course, that only made her hold me tighter. That made me cry and I told her, _"Sis, stay with me, don't go."_

I told her how I didn't want her to go away, like Dad did, and that everything'll be fine, as long she stays with me. I told her that I'll be good and that I was sorry for ever sneaking outside. I lost track of how many things I said but she didn’t say anything, however, she was staring up at the ceiling. I didn't say much else, so I just clung to her, hoping that she'd stay.

Besides the machines and such, it was all quiet, until I felt her tears come again and heard her voice say, _"Oh, Ryuuko, I'm so sorry."_ I didn't really know why she was so sorry but it didn't matter because everything will be right again. At least, I hope eveything'll be right again. I clung to her until a nurse came in. I didn't really hear what the nurse said but I felt Sis pull me off and then I was in Mom's arms. I didn't climb into Mom's arms.

I woke up the next day, wrapped in Sis' shawl. I was confused at what had happened and Iori explained what he and Nui saw, saying, "When your sister passed you to your mom, she had a certain look on her face and, while I can't exactly describe her expression, I would say that, from what it seemed, Satsuki gave your mother her forgiveness."


	32. "It doesn't work like that."

A week came and went but Sis, for some reason, couldn't come home and, from what Mom told me, wouldn't. I didn't understand because, as far as I knew, things would be all right again, to which Nui said, "It doesn't exactly wowk wike that." I was still confused and asked why, to which Iori said, "Well, yes, things will be alright but not exactly the way that you think."

"Why not? Sis'll get better, won't she?"

"Well, perhaps, but, the last time we had seen her, she was really sick and, stress factors aside, her health has really suffered."

"Okay...?"

"I don't know how else to explain that to you, really, but there's a chance that she might not be coming home, at all."

"Why not?"

"Well, she's sick and, sometimes, when people are sick, they don't come home."

"Why not? She'll get better, won't she?"

"Yes, she will but 'getting better' doesn't really work like that."

"How come?"

"Remember when you were in the hospital because you got sick?"

"Yes, kinda."

"Well, it's like that. You were sick but you couldn't leave the hospital, just yet, until they were for certain that you were going be okay. "

"And...?"

"Well, as you already know, your sister's health is much worse than yours, thus, she might not come home until she's ready or she might not come home at all because she might need special care."

"Special care?"

"Yes, so, even if she does get better, her coming home, well, does not work like that."

He looked for more words before Nui said, "It's not that simpwe." I was still confused and Nui went on to explain how that Mom has her, Iori, and me to take care of and that Sis might need more care, care that Mom can't give her. "It's kind of wike living at the Home. Some of the kids are in there beccause their pawents can't take care of them. Sis may get bettew but she pwobabwy won't be able to come home." she said.

I didn't take that well and I was in tears by the end of it. 


	33. Lit Candle

******Music Playing:** _[Utsukushii Omoide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i62poEmsmY8)_  (the first part) byKaoru Wada

* * *

 

I couldn't sleep a little bit after that but when I finally did get to sleep, with Mom's help, I had a dream. This dream was different than them other ones because I didn't feel upset. This dream was different because Sis was there and the world wasn't exactly dark, as Sis lit a candle.

She looked a little different. She was wearing what she was wearing when I last saw her, her white nightgown, and she was attached to tubes but the ones I could mostly see were the ones in her nose. She had them circles under her eyes and looked hella tired but she seemed to be fine otherwise. It was weird that I wasn't really far away from her but there was something holding me back from.

It was hard to make out what she said but I heard it. There're tears running down her face but she seemed to be smiling.Thinking back on it, I don't really remember too much about the last time I had seen her, just that she was really sick, I was begging her not to go, and that she said she was sorry. Here, in this dream, she was sick and her candle was lit.

She was quiet for awhile before she looked at me and started talking. I couldn't exactly make out what she said, until the very end of the dream where she (and her candle) started to fade away.

She had said, _"I'm so sorry, Ryuuko. I thought I had I known what's best but, instead, I had been selfish. Please forgive me."_


	34. Blank Pages

With Mako, Nui, and Iori, I was looking at the photo album, while Mom was making dinner. We were looking at pictures, talking about the stories with 'em before we came to a bunch of pages that didn't have any pictures or nothin'. It was a bigass book with lots of pictures and such but it had blank pages. I made some collecting that the pages were sad. Sure, it didn't make sense but that's what it felt like, since the last picture before the blank pages was Sis looking was sitting in her chair, with a band around her wrist, looking out of the window. That was before all she made it where all the curtains closed.

"I guess your sister didn't take any photos after your parents split. If anything, that picture of her must have been before your parents split, if not shortly after." Iori explained. Mako asked what do we do now, since there were blank pages before, Nui said, "Well, why don't we just take new pictuwes and put them in the book? I mean, we could do that." I was confused because we didn't have a camera but she pointed out that Mako had one and just got one for her birthday. I asked as to how she knew and she said, "Mako, cawwed the phone and I picked it up."

It didn't take long for Mako to go home and get her camera. We were taking all kinds photos before Mom said it was dinner and when Mako ran out of this stuff called "film". The pages weren't as blank but there were still blank pages. We were happy in the pictures but something was still missing. Sis. If I remembered right, she was still sick and she probably would never be able to come home again.

I barely touched my food that night and I didn’t sleep all that great that night either, until I decided it would be best to sleep in Sis’ bed and pretend that she was there. I had to try hard at pretending and I did, until I felt her there, her arm wrapped around me, keeping the dark and bad things away.

It wasn't the same but it was better than nothing.


	35. "St. Catherine's"

On December 13th, just as I was waking up, I heard Mom on the phone. I couldn’t make out exactly what she was saying or what the person on the phone was saying but what I did make out was “St. Catherine’s” (with a “C”). Mom’s call didn’t last long but, from what I got, Sis was at this St. Catherine’s place. I could feel myself light up and, for all I knew, I had a golden ticket.

I brought this up to Iori (who’s in charge) and Nui, when Mom went out, and Iori looked at me funny, asking, “Besides what you heard, how do you know for sure that she's there?" He went on to explain that "St. Catherine's" might have be the hospital where Sis was initially, of course, he did say he wasn't paying attention to the name, and that it's best to wait for Mom. I did that thing that Sis might call "protesting" for a little bit, before he bopped me over the head, saying, "Behave, Ryuuko, you're too old for tantrums."

I didn't know what that had to do with anything but I told him I wanted to see Sis, in which case, he told me, "Yes, you do, but I'm sure your sister wouldn't want you acting this way." I stopped that protesting business and eyeballed him all kinds of weird. I didn't have to ask him what he meant but my eyes did and he answered what my asked, "Well, your sister is sick and that's hard enough on you as it is but, honestly, if she were standing in this room, I doubt she'd be pretty appreciative of your tantrum throwing at this moment."

I told him that I wanted to see her and that she wanted to see me, too. "Yes, I know, of course, you do but your sister would like it if you stayed in line." He asked me how she'd react when I did step out of line and I told him, once, Sis made sit in the corner for four hours and twenty-minutes and, another time, I got my hair pulled and I was pinched.

"What did you do to get either of those two things?" he asked, looking at me funny.

"Well, for the first one, she told me to wash the dishes and I told her that I wasn't gonna do it."

"The other one?" 

"The other one was for something I couldn't remember because I was about three but I do know that I didn't do what got me in trouble again."

He was looking at me weird like he was before but, now, Nui was looking at me weird. I told them Sis did tell me sorry about what she did for the second one and that she was crying about it. That subject changed pretty quick and he said, "Yes, you want to see your sister but understand that making rash decisions aren't going to benefit you or her."

I was acting up again by that point and he told me that he was gonna tell on me for acting up. I stopped pretty fast, more because I remembered how Sis was when I did something she didn't like but I didn't know how Mom would be and, honestly, I didn't want to find out.

While I stopped acting up, I couldn't get "St. Christine's" out of my mind. I was thinking about it all through dinner and when it was time to go to bed. I tossed and turned until I came to the idea to go out and find this "St. Christine's" place, whether Nui, Iori, and Mom liked the idea or naw. I was real quiet and I threw a few of my things in a backpack and I snuck out of the window.

I didn't know where I was going.


	36. Locating a Lost Lamb

That morning was awful. It started when Nui went to wake up Ryuuko for breakfast and we found her and her sister's bed empty. Miss Ragyo had just about lost it when we told her we didn't know where Ryuuko was and that she must have snuck out last night. There was more snow than it was the night before and it hadn't shown any signs of stopping before the afternoon, which didn't help the situation but only served to make it worse. Miss Ragyou was pacing back and forth before she made a point to contact the police.

It didn't take them long to get here and there were many questions. She answered them, pointing out how old Ryuuko was and a few of the events leading up to today. Reassurances did nothing to ease her mind and, after an officer attempted to reassure her,  she said, "Look, I have two daughters. One is critically and chronically ill with a very good chance of not seeing the spring and the other is young, naive, and hasn't any clue of what she's doing or where she's even going. I fail to understand as to how things could be better."

* * *

I started to get sleepy after wandering around awhile. I looked at every building but I didn't see anything named "St. Catherine's", actually, I didn't know where in holy hell that I was. When I figured out that I didn't know where I was, I got scared and I started hearing Sis' voice in the back of my head telling me that I shouldn't have did this. Like I said, she ain't much of a talker but I was getting it good from her voice in the back of my head. She may as well had been standing there in front of me, scolding me and such, like she did before.

  Of course, she was wearing a white nightgown with a blue housecoat that last time, this time was different because I saw her wearing a light blue nightgown and she was attached to tubes and shit, her hair messy and dark rings under her eyes. I never felt so little. I remember talking back to her, telling her that I was sorry and that I'd never act up again.

    I don't think I was paying much attention but I was crying loud, not far from pissing my pants, and standing in place before I felt someone shaking me. That someone was a little old lady and she was telling me to come with her, so I'd get out of the cold, along with handing me a little lamb plushy. I took the thing in my arms and I was a little scared because of what happened the last time but I guess I could tell this little old lady wasn't going to hurt me, so I went with her.

* * *

At the police' request, Miss Ragyou called whatever numbers she could, which weren't many. Aikurou didn't know where she was and, when Mako came over, Ryuuko wasn't with her, so she wasn't at her house. No one knew where Ryuuko was and the snow wasn't letting up any time soon. The police said Ryuuko had approximately 24 hours to turn up on her own accord, to which they said it would be unlikely, considering the weather conditions.

  Miss Ragyo was practically begging, forcing herself to hold back tears, saying, "She's only a little girl, a little girl who made a sudden choice because she wanted to see her sister. She's alone, afraid, confused, and, in 24 hours, she could very well be dead. I can't picture that happening, you have to find her and get her home!"

   As we watched all of this unfold, Nui asked me, "So whewe do you think she went to?" Honestly, I couldn't answer her because I didn't know. I had a clue of where she tried to go but I didn't know as to where she actually went, regardless, I was afraid of any possibilities because of how naive she was.

* * *

The old lady's house was weird because she had like five cats but it was cozy. She told me what her name was but I couldn't say it right so she let me call her "Grandma" instead. I could barely talk to her but that was okay because she said, "Don't worry, my dear lamb, you are safe, and, when all has passed, we'll let your family know you're safe."

She was prattling around in her house, tidying up and such, before going into her kitchen and coming out with a mug of cocoa. Iori told me, once, a week ago, to be "wary" of strangers, especially the ones that will try to feed me but this lady was good people, so I drank it.

  "Maybe you'd like to watch some TV." she said, trying to turn the damn thing on. Her TV was weird, too, but, then again, her TV was old, old enough to have the knob things on it. She tweaked the antennas on it but got no channels, so she said, "Maybe we can listen to the radio, sweetheart."

  The radio looked old but it got a signal. There wasn't much playing on it but, from what I got, besides radio shows, there was the news and it was a "special broadcast". Grandma was paying attention, while I was sleepy, holding onto the lamb plushy, before she said, "Oh dear, sweetheart,..."

   I don't remember much else because I drifted off.

* * *

While we waited with Mako and after she made a few phone calls, Miss Ragyo took to the airwaves to find Ryuuko, giving out whatever information she had, including her phone number. I lost track of how long we were waiting and the police were being less than helpful but word got out pretty soon.

We waited for more than few hours, to my perception, before, with the police there, we got a phone call. Immediately, the phone was put on speaker and we got the voice of an old grandmotherly woman, who explained that she found a little girl and went on to describe what she looked like and that she was crying when she found her. After that, she then went on to say that the girl she found was safe.

  It didn't take any guesses as to who the girl was and, immediately, the police were going to rush  over to where they tracked the call to and in accordance to the woman's descriptions before Miss Ragyo stopped them, insisting that she'd come. It was about five minutes of squabbling before she said, "She's already scared and confused. That's not going to bode well if you go in there without me." They didn't have choice but to relent, so they let her have her way.

* * *

It didn't take us long to get there but as to how Ryuuko could have gotten to this part of town in about 12 hours. However, that would be something we would sort out later but, right now, all that mattered was that she was safe and that we could get her home. Until I saw her, I didn't know exactly what prompted her to leave the house, however, I knew I could reassure her things will be alright.  

 I was hesitant but I managed to knock on the woman's door. The elderly woman, Rachelle, answered the door quickly, saying, "Oh, you must be her mother, she's sleeping on the couch, there." before moving aside, revealing Ryuuko nestled cozily under a blanket, clutching a stuffed lamb.

Honestly, I didn't realize that Ryuuko small for her age or, rather, maybe she felt small to me. Careful not to wake her and while holding her belongings, I thanked the woman for looking after her and I carried Ryuuko out of the house. I’ll deal with what she did but, first, I had to get her home, where she belonged.


	37. Talking-to

**Music Playing:**["](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkbQ71K3n1M) _[Despair"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkbQ71K3n1M) by _ Yasuharu Takanashi (towards the latter parts).

* * *

 

I woke up a little while after that in my bed, holding onto that lamb and with Mom by my side. When I was fully awake, Mom had a look on her face, one that I couldn't really describe but it was a look that Sis had once, except Mom look kind of worried. Her expression changed to just worried and she said, "I need to talk to you about what you did."

I was confused but, before I could say anything, Mom said, "Honestly, I am upset that you've done what you did but that's beside the point. You don't know how worried we were and, for all we knew, something terrible could have happened, rather, something terrible did happen to you. I don't know if your sister will be okay in the grand scheme of things but I'd be damned if something happened to you, too." She was prattling on and on about that but the biggest thing that stuck out was her saying, "Don't do that again, I don't want to bury both of my babies, like I did with a couple others.”

What she said I didn't get but I didn't know if I should ask her, especially since she told me I wasn't to leave my room for at least an hour. She didn't say I couldn't have visitors, so, while, I was staring at the clock, waiting for an hour, Iori and Nui came in. Once they did, I asked them about what Mom said. Nui, being itty-bitty, didn't really know and said, "Weww, I don't weally know what she meant by that, do you, Iori?"

He glanced up at the ceiling and asked, "Remember those pictures we saw of your sister as a baby?" I told him that I did, kinda, to which he said, "Well, maybe your sister was the first one she had that made it, in which case, she's probably tried to have babies before but things, well, didn't work out."

"Work out?"

"Yes, work out."

"Huh?"

"Sometimes, when people want to have kids, things don't work out or, rather, they don't work out well, so they have to try extra hard."

"Extra hard, how, Iori?"

"Extra hard, as in they have to keep trying until they give up and, sometimes, when people have try extra hard, babies don't make it before they're born or afterwards."

I had a hard time understanding but I would guess I got the gist of it, kind of. However, I asked to break down a little more and he said, "Your mother had babies that didn't make it and almost had one that didn't make it, she'd be heartbroken if she lost you." I didn't really know what "heartbroken" meant but, from how he said it, some part of me knew he meant sad, a different kind of sad.

Nui went off to find something else to do and Iori followed along with her, leaving me alone to watch the clock and do what Mom said, thinking about what she said. I had a lot to think about, to be honest, and I had an hour but I was still stuck on what she said, along with what Iori said. While I thought about that, I remembered that Sis was still sick and frail and that Dad was gone.

Mom had a fight with Dad before he died and she never got to say "Sorry" or anything and Sis, though she could be scary and weird, loved me but is really sick, has been for all of her life, and she might not get better or, if she does, somehow or another, I might not be able to have her there.

Besides the others, I'm alone but I guess Mom is more alone than me.


	38. Her Home

**Music Playing: __** _[Snow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cilmQWu1Wf0) by _ Kokin Gumi

* * *

 

A week after that one time, Mom decided to take me to St. Catherine's. I could take my piggy plush but I couldn't take Iori or Nui with me. Like that one time, when Sis was in the hospital, I had to get dressed up all nice, except my dress was a different color. It was a long while before we got there and that was my first time riding a bus but we got there. St Catherine's looked like a nice place, kind of like the Home, almost, except it was different for reasons I didn't really know.

According to Mom, St Catherine's is a special kind of "apartment complex". I didn't know what that was, besides the fact that Sis lived in one and she did but was different than other whatever those things were and this place was more like a hospital or an old folks home (which I haven't seen before) . Sis was in a complex for others with "certain needs". Sis lived in second floor, second door to the right, Number 8.

A nurse came by and opened the door, as Sis doesn't normally open the door herself. We didn't know why but the nurse said she didn't know why, either. We found her, curled up sort of on the bed, lookin' at a book. Her room here looked pretty nice, if not a little boring. Sis' hair was frazzled and she had tubes but ones I mostly saw were in her nose. She wasn't hooked up to too many of those tubes, as besides the ones in her nose, she only had one and it was in her arm. She also had rings under her eyes and she looked really tired.

Mom nudged me towards her and I didn't really have many things to say to her, actually, I didn't have anything to say, so I just sat down next to her. She wasn't looking at her book at that point but I knew she didn't have anything to say to me, either. It was quiet, aside form hearing her breathe and her breathing sounded funny, especially since she was mostly breathing out of her nose. It was quiet for awhile, even when she pulled me into her arms. She held onto me a long while before Mom and me had to leave.

Mom didn't have to pull me out of her arms because Sis let go. I didn't have a good feeling about that, honestly.

But, the way Sis looked at me told me things would be okay.


	39. Holiday Musings

I didn't know much about Christmas besides that it was a holiday that people do special things for each other. Christmases with Sis were, well, different than Christmaseses with everyone else, as I don't remember Sis doing anything special, except for letting me off the hook for annoying her that day and, sometimes, she'd make cake, which is something she usually doesn't do. Other than those things, I don't remember much else.

This time would be different, however, as I wasn't having Christmas with Sis but I wasn't having it alone, as I had Mom, Nui, Mako, and Iori. However, it wouldn't be the same, as Sis wasn't here with us. No, she was at St Christine's, with a tube in her arm and the tubes in her nose. I couldn't get the idea of her having tubes in her nose out of my head and I asked Iori as to why she'd have tubes in her nose.

It wasn't Christmas, yet, and I was sitting in Sis' chair, looking out of the window. It was snowing when I asked him this, to which he told me he didn't understand, until I asked him again. He pulled up a stool and said, "Oh, you mean a nasal cannula." I didn't know what any of that crap was but I asked him anyway, to which he said, "Those 'breathing tubes' you were talking about."

"Okay, but why would she have 'em in her nose?"

"Typically, when people have those in their noses, it's generally because, while they can breathe, they can't get enough air."

"Huh?"

"Well, I think Miss Ragyo mentioned something about Satsuki having asthma, so it's possible for whatever she's sick with to have weakened her lungs more to the point that she strains them is she tries to breathe without it. To put it simply, your sister needs it because she has weak lungs."

I didn't know much about what he said but, deep down, I got scared, scared because, for all I knew, she probably wasn't going to make it. Of course, I was wondering as to what she had as to where lungs would get weak. Either way, I wanted her to come with us for Christmas but I guess, if she came home with us for Christmas, she'd get worse, so she's better off where she is.

Other than thinking about Sis, I wasn't sure as to exactly how to feel about Christmas. Nui was giddy because it meant she would have Christmas to spend someone, while Iori said Christmas reminded him of when he was a kid with his mom and it was his last Christmas with her before she passed away, as she died the year after that.

I asked Mako what she thought about Christmas, to which she told me it was a good thing and exactly how it was. She told me stuff that people usually do on Christmas and that means new stuff for her family. Up until that, I never knew what "poor" was, then again, I never knew what "rich" was either, of course, neither one mattered.

What really got me is that Mako told me that Christmas can be "pretty". I was confused as to how but then she got to telling me about lights and things. I told her Mom said we should do something simple but she said that was okay, as long as we got lights. However, I didn't know what she meant by lights but I could hear Sis, in the back of my head, yelling at me for leaving her candles going, so there couldn't be any candles.

I asked Mom about it, to which she told me that Mako was referring to Christmas lights, saying that she'll get me some kind of those, the kind that look like candles. I would guess those were better than real candles and I could feel Sis looking at me weird but not staring me down.

While I was thinking about that, I wondered if I could get Sis a present and exactly what to give her. Sis isn't a fancy person, well, depends on what people think of as "fancy" but I would guess that anything just couldn't do. However, I knew I couldn't get her candles and, for all I knew, anything I could give her would make her sick.

I was stumped, to be honest.


	40. "Tuberculosis"

In the week before Christmas, Mom told me that she wanted to talk to me. I wasn't sure why and it was pretty early in the morning but that was what she wanted. I don't recall exactly how early in the morning it was but I do remember that Iori and Nui were still asleep, of course, so was I, which sure as hell didn't matter.

Mom was in her bathrobe and I would guess that she probably didn't sleep at all. She told me to sit down and I tried to ask her what was going on but she told me that she'd tell me soon enough. She told me what she wanted to say wasn't going to be to easy to say but she said that all that mattered was that it wasn't my fault and that things would be okay. I was still confused and I was hella unsure as to how things would be okay.

She told me Sis was sick, that much I already knew, but she told me that she had something with a rather weird name. I wasn't paying any attention to the first part of the name but the second part woke me up. She said Sis had _"Tuberculosis"_. Of course, besides it being a sickness, I didn't know what it was but the name sounded like it was one of those diseases that take people away or that it was, as Sis would say, "unnatural".

I couldn't talk but Mom explained that what Sis had was serious and the sickness was "dormant" in Sis' body. She told me that what Sis had looked like it was getting worse, however, Sis was always sick so that was something I could see happening, but what Mom said made things worse. Worse because "tuberculosis" is contagious and, for me to visit Sis again, I'd have to have a "vaccine". Upon hearing that, I could talk and I asked her as to what that was, to which she told me, "It means a doctor would have to stick a needle in you, so you won't get sick and you are behind on your vaccines."

I don't recall what else she said but I do remember her taking me to the hospital, two days after that. If I remembered my time in the hospital right, I remembered one thing about needles and it was that I hated them. Though, that time in the hospital wasn't the first instance, as I got pricked with one of Sis' sewing needles and she left it in for about five minutes. Of course, her reasons for that weren't really clear besides that I needed to "know what I did".

Nothing about the whole thing felt real until I was sat on the bed and Mom told me that it wouldn't hurt as much if I sat still. When it sank it, I started squealing and I was at it until I felt Sis pinching me. She didn't really pinch me because she wasn't there but I could feel her do it and that pinch felt hard as all hell. However, the moment I went quiet, the doctor and Mom freaked out a tad, though Mom seemed more used to the idea, saying, "She does that." I was back to squealing with some flailing the moment the needle went in. It didn't last long but I was in tears the entire time.

We went home and I was sulky about it. I stayed sulky for awhile, even when Mom said, "It's for the best, Ryuuko." 


	41. "making memories"

I was sulky even when Mom left the house to do things but I wanted to know about Tuberculosis, so I asked Iori about that and why I had to get a needle jabbed in me, to which he told me, "Well, you got sick before and that landed you in the hospital, so Miss Ragyo got you a shot for TB to keep you from getting sick with something worse than what you got." I already knew that bit so I asked exactly as to what Tuberculosis exactly was and he answered, "TB is an illness caused by bacteria and it comes in different forms based on said bacteria and where it build up the most."

"That doesn't explain why Sis has it besides that it was in her for a long time."

"Actually, it does, as TB can be in the body for a while before the person really gets sick. For all we know, she could have caught a long time ago and it decided to come out, when her immune system got worse. "

"What does it do?"

"Well, Ryuuko, in most cases, TB normally attacks the lungs, so, coupled with your sister's already damaged respiratory system, TB might have weakened her lungs more."

"Will she be okay, Iori...?"

"Well, I don't really know but people can survive TB, however, her survival isn't a guarantee, with all things considered."

“All things like what, Iori?”

“Well, Ryuuko, things like your sister’s already damaged lungs and her weak immune system would play into whether or not she’d be okay. People with either or both of those things don't always come out unscathed, to put it lightly."

"And if she doesn't?"

"Well, Ryuuko, honestly, I don't know if I could answer that question but I suppose that if she doesn't or, rather, _won't_ , then the only thing you can do, well, is spend what time she might have left with her and making memories."

I was confused by the last bit that Iori said, as I didn't know how to "make memories" or what exactly he meant by that but I figured he meant draw pictures, so I decided to just that. At the time, I didn’t know how to draw or that I even could but I did. I lost count of how many little drawings I did but I guess that really didn’t matter because I was making memories, even if Sis couldn’t make any herself being where she was.

The first picture I drew was a picture was one of Sis standing in the Outside, on a grassy place with flowers. It didn't make any sense because Sis hates the Outside but that didn't matter at that moment. It was a memory she wasn't going to have but it's a pretty memory, so I drew it and made it all colorful. The pictures of Sis were in color but they didn’t seem colorful, no, they seemed gray, like the sky on a rainy day, the sky that I only saw when the door was opened.

The picture after that I drew was picture of all of us, Dad, Mom, Iori, Nui, me, and Sis. Dad was gone and, at the time, I couldn't really remember what he looked like, exactly, so I drew him as kind of shadow because, by now, he's kind a of shadow. I remembered that Nui and Iori wouldn't know Dad, Mom didn't like to talk about him, and Sis remembered him more so because I was really little when he died.

The third picture I drew had me and Sis dressed up all nice. Like the other two, it didn't make sense, as, really, Sis mostly had nightgowns and housecoats, so I don't remember her wearing anything else. Of course, I didn't wear much else, besides a measly pair of yellow shorts and my favorite red shirt, for a good ass while, so it made a little more sense. However, I doubt Sis would prefer to dress up nice or what I'd call "nice", no, she'd probably dress like she's going to a funeral.

I drew plenty of pictures until I could draw no more and I put them in photo album. I was tired and I missed Sis but I didn't know what else to do.

I went to bed, hugging that photo album. 


	42. What lies beyond the house.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Chapter from Satsuki's POV

Mother left long ago, so long ago. Ryuuko was so little. Not long after she left, a tragedy happened. Going outside is dangerous and that was proven more when I found out that we lost our father. Besides the butler, we were alone and Ryuuko didn't really have anyone to bring her up, so I took on the task, promising to take care of and protect her. Someone had to and, for all I knew, no one else could adequately take on the task. Of course, she being so young and knowing no one else, I doubt that she would accept any other caregiver. Older siblings look after their younger siblings, don't they?

She would never understand how dangerous the outside world is and I'd be a fool to let her fall prey to it's danger. The outside world claimed our father and, before that, it had almost taken me. Mother, on the other hand, I didn’t know where she was and I wasn’t inclined to ever see her again after leaving us. I wanted little to do with her, even after she sent us letters. I declared that we would live comfortably just the way we were, safe and away from the dangers of the outside world.

I tried my best and I used measures I shouldn't have considered. She was three then and she didn't know. It was only a first time offense but I had to be careful. I never meant to cause any harm but, at the time, I felt she had to learn, learn that the outside world is dangerous. She had to stay in the house if she wanted to be safe. It's hard to do what best when the child wants to be defiant. I suppose I could have handled her defiance better, in those moments, but, of course, she needed to learn and learn she would.

By a certain point, she had turned five. I had taken it upon myself to get her a tutor.The tutor that had taught me would not suffice and I alone cannot teach her. It wasn't hard to turn up one and Ryuuko took to him immediately. Good. If she was to be safe, then she was to also be educated, surely, if something were to happen to me, then I could at least leave her with that, whether she be tad slow-witted.

Most seemed relatively content but I'd knew that she would grow curious of the outside world and, as we grew older, I was even more determined. I had to keep her safe and I would be damned if something had happened to her, as we only have each other. She asked about it, when I was brushing her hair, and, immediately, I shut her down. I couldn't have that nonsense. She knew little, which is barely more than nothing, especially why things had to be that they were. The outside world is a dangerous place and, thus, she must be protected. No one will look after her and we have only each other.

I felt terrible for shutting her down like that but it was necessary and I wanted none of that nonsense. I felt even worse when, on a day that Mr. Mikisugi came for his lessons, I was awakened by him calling my name, "Satsuki, Satsuki, Satsuki~!" I wasn't dressed decently but I hurried downstairs. Ryuuko looked to be unconscious and had apparently vomitted on the floor. I was skeptical, as she appeared to be fine earlier but he insisted that she needed to be taken to the hospital, right away.

I told him that she couldn't be sick, saying, "Impossible! She was alright, in perfect health, earlier, so how could she be sick now?" to which he told me that it was sudden and that she'd get worse if she wasn't taken in. It took a bit of arguing before I relented, relented on the grounds that I could lose my sister and that whatever she had could very well spread to me. She was gone the entire day, practically, and, for each hour that she was, I grew more worried.

She returned and Mikisugi said the doctors deemed her well enough to come home. The moment she came home, I thanked Mikisugi for his time and hurried Ryuuko to bed. She would be doing her lessons in bed. This wouldn't last long and I didn't want it to last long but I had to be sure. She had been exposed to the outside world and, for all I knew, she could be bring a plague.

Since then, she had been acting rather strange and I suspected nothing, figuring her to be content. With things she didn't understand or know, her being a little testy was a given but she didn't speak of going outside. If anything, I welcomed her idea of staying about the matter, her being testy or not. I felt upset about it but, for all I knew, it was necessary and things that are necessary aren't supposed to be enjoyable.

However, I found myself suspcious of something. She had been quiet for much of the day and, when I had greeted her after a siesta, I found one of her legs in a splint. Her expressuion said that she wanted to dodge the subject but she told me she had fallen. I was doubtful but I hadn't reason to think that she was lying to me and neither did I see or hear her fall, so I believed her, wondering if she needed a change in nutrition.

I would find myself wrong in not questioning her, when Mikisugi confronted me about her injuries. I told him what she told me and, besides that, there wasn't anything wrong but he would not have it, saying, "Look, I already let a good much of what's been going on slide, despite my better judgement and at Ryuuko's insistence, but, this, THIS, her injuries, I can't. That's it, this is the last straw and you will NOT retain custody. I'm sorry but this is for the best."

I was horrified and I begged him not to take her away, promising that I could do better and that this wouldn't happen again. He would have none of it and said, "This isn't right and you know it, so you know I don't have a choice but I am sorry." He left quickly and I hurried to Ryuuko.

I grabbed her into my arms, determined not to anyone take her from me. Some part of me knew, that my effort would be futile but I didn't want to believe it, so I held onto her as tight as a I could. I had no one else and she had no one else but circumstances were cruel. For all I knew, that would be the last time that I'd embrace her and, as I held her, I thought about how I had failed. In that moment, I realized that I couldn't make it right. I knew but I was in denial, denial that my world had shattered.

Mikisugi returned with a social worker. I clutched Ryuuko tighter, while the woman addressed Ryuuko, saying, "Sweetheart,you have to come with us and we won't hurt you." I pulled her away and held onto her more, determined to keep her, in denial that this was really happening. With my lack of cooperation, the woman called the police and my sister was torn from my arms, leaving me to call her name. She glanced back at me, once, and then she was gone. I was heartbroken and in shock.

The realization sunk in slowly, more when I tried searching for her the next day. I wanted to go after her, to reclaim the sister that I lost, but I couldn't bring myself to the door, except to lock it. Such the idea of me reclaiming her wouldn't have been worth it as I didn't know where they had taken her, so I could only hope that she was faring well, wherever she happened to be.

Being alone was crippling. I didn't know where our mother was, our father was gone, and my sister was taken, thus I was truly alone. I went about my days as I did before she was taken away but I couldn ignore that void, so I had taken to mourning her, mourning her as though she had died. It was a ritual I would do when I would light candles. I lit them and I would blow them out. Eventually, I took ill and I grew weaker. I would suppose that I couldn't hide from disease.

With the housekeys in my hand, I struggled down the stairs, unlocked the front door, and lit a few candles. 


	43. Catching Snowflakes

**Music Playing** :   _["I Forgive You"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N2zPpc_xAw) _ by Thomas Newman

* * *

 

I drifted off to sleepytown, the other night. Before that, I had been up and down for about a week and then peeing the sheets (about three times). In the times, before that night, I did sleep, I don't remember any dreams. I probably didn't have any. Just no dreams. None, nope, nothing, no Sis, her candles, or anything, just nothing. Of course, I probably wasn't sleeping for long enough to have dreams.

The dream was a little weird but it was hella different than the ones I had before. I was in the Outside and it was snowing. I don't recall too much of what I was doing but I do know that I was trying to catch those things called "snowflakes". It looked really pretty and I was having a really good time, just trying to catch those snowflakes. I wanted the whole thing to be real, more when I had Dad playing with me. In that dream, I was pretty little. I don't know how old I was in that dream but I knew I wasn't three. I don't really remember being in the Outside and I damn sure don't remember playing in snow, especially since I didn't really know what snow was until Rei told me what it was.

We were playing around, catching snowflakes and whatevers, before he snatched me up into a hug. I laughing, giggling, and just so happy, playing in the snow and Dad was with me like he used to be. I don't remember ever being that happy as I was in that dream. I wanted that dream to last forever.

I woke up and had tears streaming down my face. I didn't know where the dream even came from and the picture's in Sis' album didn't have any picture of Dad and me playing in the snow. I was really upset with the whole thing because Sis was sick, Dad was gone, and I wanted that dream to be real. I mean, it felt real and it was a really nice dream, so I need it to be real. I had more questions than answers as to why I had that dream. I just had to know more about it because I needed it to be real.

I didn't give a damn of how early it was. I just wanted to find that dream because I needed it to be real. I woke everybody up, running around the house, throwin' shit and everything around, looking for the dream with Dad and the snowflakes. I was at it for awhile, while everyone had their mouths on the floor, before I just fell to my knees in Sis' book room and started crying.

I could hear Sis yelling at me for acting up and messing up her favorite room. I was crying hard. I needed that dream to be real and I felt worse when I couldn't find it. There was no way in Hell that dream had to be only a dream. I was crying until I could barely breath and, by that point, Iori was picking me up off the floor, telling me that everything was going to be okay, while Nui was fixed on something.

 _"Is this what you wewe looking fow?"_ we heard her ask. In her little hand were two pictures but one really stuck out and called my name.

It had a little blood on it and it was crumpled and torn some but it was picture of Dad and me, in the Outside, with the snow. In that picture, I wasn't three but I was still little. He was hugging me and I was laughing, smiling, and happy, just like in the dream I had. For awhile, I had a feeling that I had been feeling that I had gone to the Outside once and I couldn't really remember Dad before just that he was gone but I didn't remember too much before he was gone or the Outside.

That dream really was real.

* * *

 


	44. Thunderstorm

**Music Playing:**   _[Tsukimori Song (Piano)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w91VCgkl60c)_

* * *

 

Mom sat me down in Sis' room and told me to just stay there, rest a little while, with the picture of Dad and me in my hands. I was upset, okay, but still upset and I was shaking. I sat the picture next on the nightstand, so I wouldn't crumple it more. I had a lot of things to think about and I knew Sis probably wouldn't tell me anything about why I never knew a damn thing about this picture before. It wasn't in the album and there weren't too many pictures of me to start with besides the ones where I was the Inside.

I was shaking even more when I remembered how Sis never told me a bunch of things and I how I find out from other people what really went down. I remembered how I knew Dad was never coming back but I never knew why until I talked to Rei.  I remembered how she never told me why Mom and Dad had their fight and why Mom left. I remembered how I found out that she was sick all of the time and that was why she did what she did.  And I remembered that I never knew this picture even existed or that Dad had it on him when he died (there's blood on it).

I started to wonder as to what else she didn't tell me. In remembering that dream and having that picture, I was pissed at her but I wasn't pissed for too long. Being pissed turned into tears like rain from the sky and I was feeling like a thunderstorm. _What more did she hide?_ I knew Sis loved me and she did a lot of things that made no sense because of that but I feel like she should have told me everything. She didn't talk much and I wish she talked to me more. Mom wasn't with us and we lost Dad. Everything was scary and he had each other, so why didn't she tell me anything?

I didn't know how to feel about her not telling me anything, just that I felt like a thunderstorm. I was sitting and shaking long after breakfast. I don't know how long I was sitting and shaking but I was at it for a little while longer before Iori wrapped his arm around me, Nui was sitting next to me, and Mom had just come into the room.

  I stopped shaking and I was stuttering for a little bit before I managed to ask why Sis didn't tell me about that picture.  Mom said, "Sweetheart, I don't know why." Nui didn't have any answers, either, but Iori did or he had what could ever amount to answers. Them was "theories" but they could be the kind to make the situation better.

"Maybe she didn't tell you about the picture because she didn't want to lose you."

 "How?"

 "Well, you lost your dad in an accident and she's always thought the outside world was dangerous, so, if anything, she hid the photo from you out of fear that she'd lose you, too, and she was still reeling from the pain of losing your father. If anything, the photo represented her fears and one of the last things she had left of your father, as this was on him when he passed."

 "I wish she didn't keep it to herself."

"Yes, but she did what she did and we can't go back and change it. I can't say for certain as to why she'd keep it to herself but I could say that she did it for what, to her, felt like protection. She wanted to protect you and, so, in her grief, she kept the picture from you, especially since she already had it ingrained that the outside world was dangerous."

 I wasn't shaking nearly as much as I was before he said that. I was still shaking, shaking enough where Mom suggested that I lay down for a spell. I was shaking but I was under Sis’ covers. I don’t know how long I was laying there but I slowly stopped shaking. It was past lunch time and it pretty much dark when I got up. I wasn’t hungry or anything and I didn’t really know what I was doing but I know I was in Sis’ book room. It wasn’t all that much a mess but I was putting it back the way it was. Sis likes her things to be tidy and nice, so I put everything back the way that it was. It didn’t take long.

  When I was done, I sat in her chair, pulled back the curtain, and just watched the snowflakes. 

_Sis, snowflakes are really pretty._


	45. "recollection"

**Music Playing:** _[Kaen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiFj8ZyKqws) _ by Yasuharu Takanashi

* * *

 

After that, I had another dream. Sis was in it, of course, but this dream was different. It was kind of like the dream I had with Dad, except it was with Sis. It was playing out like a movie and I was just watching, not doing anything. It felt weird and I didn't know, at the moment, if it was a bad dream but something didn't really feel right about it.

She was lighting those candles, of course, and the curtains were closed. She was crying and a littler me was watching her cry. I would guess that I was about two or three. Littler me didn't know what to and just asked if Sis was okay. Sis said, "There's been a tragedy." Of course, when I was little, I didn't really know what exactly the "tragedy" was but it hurt like holy hell when I remembered that Dad died and Rei said it was a car accident.

_"Where's Dad, Sis?"_

_"He's gone, Ryuuko."_

_"Okay."_

_"No matter what happens, we'll be alright."_

Sis was holding me in a hug, like she did when I got taken away. Littler me didn't know what was going on and, in that dream, I was only asking for Dad, not Mom. I would suppose that I was three in that dream because it damn sure was after Mom left. While I thought about that, I felt it hurt because, even though she said we'd be okay, we weren't, well, she wasn't. I tried to make it right and I couldn't.

I woke up wanting to throw up but I made that shit go back down my throat and I went right back to sleep.

The next dream I had actually had Mom in it, except I couldn't really recognize her all that well. I knew it was her by the voice but I couldn't recognize her that well. In that dream, I wasn't three but I couldn't really say I was one or two, just that I wasn't three, and I was sitting in a crib. I was wearing those feet pajamas and I was standing up, being grabby, a little bow in my hair. I had a mass of messy bird's nest hair and three teeth but Mom didn't pay any mind to that, just playing and laughing with me. It felt nice, just nice to be there with her.

I woke up the next day, staring at nothing. Like the dream with Dad, I needed that one to be real and I found it quicker without tearing anything up because it was sitting on a table.It was a picture of Mom and me when I was a baby, with messy bird's nest hair, a little bow, and red feet pajamas.

Iori couldn't come up with too much an explanation for why she hid that one besides, "Maybe that picture made her happy and broke her heart all the same, so she wanted to forget it and move on."


	46. "latipsoh"

**Music Playing:** _[Memoria](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bG803H3khz8) _ by A Secret Messenger

* * *

 

I was hospitalized. I was sick, sure enough, but I couldn't stop thinking about Ryuuko. I was accustomed to being a patient and I behaved but I still wanted to see Ryuuko, to know that she was alright. However, I couldn't bring myself to ask about her, no matter how much the unknowns ate away at my being. The hospital was rather nice, however, boring but, while I didn't prefer to be there, I dreaded the idea of returning to a home without her. I would suppose that being ill gave me much to think about, considering that I had found my mind drifting to thinking about how things would be if I were to pass away, as, really, who will look after Ryuuko then?

In thinking of that, I wondered if death would be mercy or torture. I would be one bereaved specter, desperately roaming Limbo, trying to set right to wrong, knowing that I couldn’t gather my beloved situation which make the idea torture. However, I suppose that it would be mercy to die, knowing that I am separated from the only thing I have and that I probably won’t have to see her befall some dreaded fate. The conclusion that can be easily reached is that, in life, my miserable existence will be filled with loss and, in death, I couldn’t amend what happened to Ryuuko.

I started to think of how I only wanted to protect her, to keep her safe, and, in the end scheme, I failed. My efforts cost my custody of her and, from my interpretation of the events, they may never allow me to see her again because I caused her some sort of harm. My methods weren't perfect but I never caused her any harm, certainly, none in the sense that they might have been thinking of. At least, I got to see her in my dreams, where no one could take her from me. It became no surprise that sleeping is something I most prefered to do, as waking up each time, knowing that I was without her, broke my heart.

One such occasion I awoke to seeing Ryuuko. Moments before my eyes caught her I woke up terrified and confused but seeing her, even for a breif moment, settled me. We didn't do much of anything besides look at each other before she told me, as listened attentively, what it was that she was up to, letting me know that she was alright and that she was very well behaved. We clung to each other before Mikisugi pulled her away.

The moment she came from me she, I started screaming, fighting, in some senses, desperately to keep her with me again.

After that, my health took a quick downturn but it worsened slowly, until I saw a report of Ryuuko running away on the news. I don't recall too much of what happened after that before I awoke up in intensive care, the doctors explaining to me that I would have to be transferred transferred to more specialized facility. My health had shattered like glass.

Reality became much harder to deal with.


	47. butterfly

**Music playing:** _[Snowfield ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNSq1qf5ZFk) _ by Key

* * *

 

I had a dream the other night. That dream was different than the other ones were and I didn't know how to talk about it but I couldn't stop thinking about it. That dream had Sis but I couldn't really see her besides that she was a shadow or something blurry. I could feel her there and the whole dream was dark besides her candles. It was dark for awhile before I was in her arm and then she started to pull away.

I chased after her, crying for her to come back, but she disappeared in a cloud of those things Nui said were fireflies and became pretty blue butterfly before she flew away. Of course, while I knew what a butterfly was, I hadn't really seen one besides in books and I damn sure didn't know what butterflies had to do with Sis. I'd suppose what butterflies had to do with Sis didn't really matter because I woke up from that dream feeling heavy and sad, like I had lost something.

I was thinking about that dream all the way when Mom sent Iori, Nui, and me to a store. I asked, "Have the either one of you had dream butterflies?" Nui shrugged and Iori looked at me like I grew as tall as a house. He told me he wasn't sure how to answer that, as he didn't really remember any dreams he did have. While he couldn't really sort out how to answer my question, he ask me about the butterfly in my dream.

"Oh, she was blue and she was Sis before she turned into a butterfly and flew away."

"Anything else about that dream?

"I was in her arm, until she started to pull away. I chased after her but she disappeared into this mass of fireflies and became a butterfly. Before that, I couldn't really see her all that well."

"What happened to her?"

"She flew away. I woke up from that feeling heavy and sad."

I was quiet the rest of the trip and I went straight to Sis' room. I was tossing and turning until I fell asleep. I had much that same dream again, except Sis was standing in a field somewhere in the Outside. That whole idea was weird because Sis is what they call "agoraphobic" and hates the Outside but she was standing there, looking at a butterfly. She turned to look at me before she disappeared.

I wasn't hungry that night.


	48. mother.

**Music Playing:** _[Ocean On His Shoulders](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0nnYVZ1L6Q) _ by Garry Schyman

* * *

I spent much of my time lying in bed, not that I could do much else. It hurt to move and just as much to breath. From what I can gather, my prognosis wasn't good but I had come to expect it, as I could barely breathe without tubes. Generally, I preferred to have my eyes closed and just sleep, as there wasn't much to see or do, provided, the setting here were a change over from the ones I had grown used to.  I didn't bother at all with what the doctor's said much of the time, as really, their voices just became whispers. Things were just quietly mostly.

   It was quiet until I awoke to her presence, right next to me. I hadn't any clue of how long it's been since we've last seen one another but I was content to have her there. As only I could, I embraced her. I couldn't make out too much of what she said, besides that didn't want me to go and begging me to stay with her. She was silent for a while, while I embraced her tighter. I couldn't promise her many things but I especially couldn't promise her my survival in all of this.

  As I held onto her, I thought about what got us here and it was then that I realized I had been quite selfish in all of these years. I couldn't live a normal life and, so, I had stolen one from her because I was afraid, afraid the outside world, and afraid of losing her. I wanted to protect her but, in doing so, I lost her. I was denial that I couldn't take care of her properly, try as I might, and I knew there was no way that I could undo any damage, regardless, I was sorry. I was sorry for many things but, more importantly, I was sorry for the harm caused by my selfishness.

  For all I knew, that would be the last time I could embrace her, so, mustering what strength and oxygen I could, I told her that I was sorry, while my tears fell in her hair. She was clinging to me for a while before, with whatever strength I could, I wrapped her in my shawl and placed her in Mother's arms. I knew I was in no place to look after her any longer but I figured I could right some wrong. I haven't spoken to Mother in years but, whatever resentments I held towards her absence, I knew I could trust Ryuuko to her care, so I gave her the sister I failed to care for.  

 

My biggest mistake, as I realized, was not contacting her in all of these years.


	49. "Don't go away!"

**Music Playing:** _[Honrou no Naka no Seimei](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLDC2I8QPCk) by _

* * *

 

After that dream, I started clinging to her, Mom, more often. I clung to Iori, Nui, and Mako, too, but I was clinging to Momma the most. I don't know why I started doing that but I guess it was because Sis was sick and Dad was gone, so I didn't want her to go away. I had dreams about people I knew going away and they'd just fly away like butterflies or whatever, while I was on my knees crying.

  In my absurd as hell logic, if I clung to people that I loved, then they wouldn't go away. Little kids think like that, of course, and I wasn’t a little kid but I felt like one, so I thought like one. Little kids cling to people they don’t want to go away and I clung to people I didn’t want to go away. I wasn’t sure how to process what I felt but I could show it, so I clung to Momma.

Momma thought it was a little weird but she knew why I was doing what I did or, at least, I think she knew, but, either way, she didn’t mind it, my clinging to her. I had been at it for a while before she asked why, to which I said, “ _Don’t go away!”_ Her eyes got big and she asked me what I meant to which I told her about the dreams I’ve been having and how I didn’t want her to go away, since Sis was probably going to go away, too.

She held onto me tighter than she probably did before all of this and said, “I’m not going away, not any time soon, not ever again.”  I told her about Sis and how sick she was, to which she told me, “I don’t want her to go away, too, and the doctors are doing everything they can, so we can only hope for the best.”

“Can’t they do more than just all, Momma?”

“Sweetheart, doctors aren’t miracle workers, try as hard as they will, and Satsuki is very sick.”

“But…”

“Satsuki is giving it her all, too, but she’s so very sick, darling, and she can only hold on for so long.”

“Can't she hold on longer for _me?”_

“From what I can tell, she’s trying to. She loves you and, because she does, she’s holding on as long as she could.

“Sis is too young to go.”

“I know but, sometimes, people have to go, whether they’re too young or not.”

“I don’t want anyone to go, Momma.”

“No, no one does but, when someone goes, there isn’t much anyone can do and, so, we have to let them go.”     

 

I don't know how long I cried but I cried until all it was only tears.

 


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially, this chapter was supposed to be named (like the others) but, however, I felt it would be more effective if I didn't.

**Music Playing:** _[Higanbana](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePp3bThWK0) _ by Yasuharu Takanashi

* * *

 I had another dream with Dad in it but it was different because I seemed to be awake during the good much of it. My eyes were barely opened but I saw him, standing right next to the bed I was sleeping in. He looked mostly the same as I remembered him and he was glowing. I asked if it was him and I tried to get up but he laid me back down, tucking me in.

I felt littler than what I was, especially when he was ruffling my hair. I couldn't really make out what he said but I knew he was telling me to be good and that he loved me. As only I could, I asked him if he'd stay with me this time but then he started to look so sad. I knew, right then and there, that he couldn't but he was with me for a little bit. He told me something about how I had to stay but he would "take Sis home".

I felt tears coming and I remembered Mom saying something about letting go.

Dad was already gone and Sis was still really sick. Mom said she was fighting but, going by what I heard Dad say, Sis was dying. I asked him that was the case and he told me he didn't really know, rather, he didn't really when she had to go. However, he did tell me that, when its her time, he was going to come and take her to where he was. For a moment, I felt like asking, _"Why don't you take me?"_ but I couldn't.

He was there until my eyes closed and while I started to hear loud beeps.


	51. "st. catherine's"

**Music Playing:** _[Yasashii Kimochi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4-iSUXSCNc)  _ by Yasuharu Takanashi

* * *

 

I recovered but not well enough to go home. I would conclude it was probably for the best because I found my lungs could no longer get enough oxygen. I was used to oxygen tubes but I didn't care for the idea that these were permanent. The place was rather nice but I very much didn't want to stay, however, I knew I hadn't a choice. If I returned home, I'd probably die sooner and I fought too long for that to happen so soon. 

  I suppose I had known that I wasn't really meant to last long, well, not as long as Ryuuko. As I thought more about her, I had remembered how delighted that I was to know that I was going to have a little sister but, underneath the joy, I recall that I felt a twinge of sadness and that I was afraid. I wasn't born healthy and I was afraid that any sibling I would have would pass away sooner. I recall that I felt relieved to see that she was healthy.

As I often drifted in and out of my memories, I recall the bout of resentment. It wasn't towards her, exactly, rather, I was resentful towards the circumstances. Circumstances were cruel enough to send me into the world the way that I am, yet were kind enough for Ryuuko to be born healthy, free of the defects that burdened me. I recall that this was rather unfair, really, and I resented that more so. As I mused more on this, I had realized I had been projecting some of that resentment onto Ryuuko, as, in the end scheme of things, she could live a normal life but I had been selfish enough to take a good much of that away. 

I wondered what sort of affects my attempts as raising her had on her psyche. I haven't taught her anything, I cowed her into submission, I smothered her, coddled her too much, neglected her health, and, in the end, I've made her overly dependent on me, probably unable to cope with the loss that will be my passing. It'd be a miracle if that loss didn't kill her. I couldn't stop thinking about that. _Without me, how is she to fend?_ I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had doomed her. If anything, I started to wonder if I’d see her again at all.

I would see her again, when the nurse opened the door. I was reading, if I recall, and I found myself interrupted. Her hair was brushed and she was dressed rather nicely in a beige sweater and a dark colored dress (I assume black or a dark blue) with knee-socks and black shoes. For a split moment, she looked like she was about three and I made note that she would have worn this particular outfit if she were attending a funeral. _I wonder if she'll be dressed this nice, when the time comes._

  Not that I minded but she was quiet, unusually so. I couldn't quite sort out why but I concluded that she hadn't anything to say. I suppose that was fine because, regardless of her silence, I pulled her into an embrace. I felt bittersweet and that whole embrace was bittersweet, as, somehow, I knew I’d be sick again. The previous illness severely scarred my insides and, even though she couldn’t see it, I was hanging on by threads, yet I couldn’t bring myself to stop fighting.

I clung to her for a little while, until visiting hours were over. No one had to pry her from me, as I let go for what I assumed would be the last time. At least, I let her go with some reassurance.

 True to my assumptions, I came down with something. I was poked, prodded, and swabbed before the doctors told me what my diagnosis was. _Tuberculosis._ I was terrified but I immediately came to terms with it. Still, I’d fight and hope that I’ll survive this, however, I had little confidence that being the outcome. In thinking of the disease, I started writing letters. I wasn’t writing to anyone in particular but, then, I started writing letters to her, the little sister I had dreaded leaving behind.

It settled my nerves, somehow, and I was writing multiple drafts of the same letter. To me, it had to be well thought-out, especially if I were to pass away. Eventually, I settled on one draft and ended up composing multiple pages, pages of things I wanted to say. My words had to be well thought out, as, really, the odds were not in my favor and I needed them to count more so than they ever would if I had said them.

  As I wrote those pages, I started to wonder if I were writing them for her or myself. In at least one of those pages, I told her to be strong and, of course, she needs to be but I've hindered that, however. I feared for how she would fare in my absence and, from what I could tell, she wasn't faring well. She was afraid and, regrettably, I hadn't taught her how to cope. In some senses, I was most likely projecting into this letter to keep myself strong throughout all of this.

In the end schemes of things, I hope that I could leave this world confident that she'll be safe and that she can manage but, most of all, I hoped she could forgive me for the things I've done.


	52. Presents

**Music Playing** :  _[Wanderers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrQDYU66HGY) (Mostly in the middle to the end)_

* * *

 Before Mom came back, I never really got anything special for Christmas, besides a free pass and a cake. As Sugi put it, Sis didn’t seem like the festive sort and she wasn’t but Mom definitely seemed to be because she said we each can have three presents. Of course, I couldn’t ask for Sis to come home and I didn’t know if they could be little presents or big ones, so I guess it made sense to ask for little ones. I wasn’t really sure what to ask for.

   Iori didn’t want much of anything and Nui had only asked for, like, two things but I wasn’t sure what to ask for. I had just a little bit to think more about it. It made sense to ask for little ones, however, I wasn’t sure what I’d like. I was musing on it until Iori told me to put on my coat and that he was going to take me to the store so I could pick a few to make a list.

I don’t recollect the name of the store but I do know that it was big, bright, and loud. He led me through the aisle and things giving me plenty of things to look at and pick from. It was hard to pick something but I could settle one thing, one thing of three things. It was a pretty sparkly thing and I wanted it for reasons I didn’t really know the hell why besides that it would feel good to have. Iori told me it was a nightlight but I was, what Sis would say, "star-struck" with it, probably because it looked like it had real stars in it but those stars were butterflies. I couldn't stop looking at it and Iori put that at the top of my list, before Iori pulled me away.

We were wandering around before my ears caught wind of a sound. It sounded familiar but I couldn't place that memory and I couldn't really remember what it was. However, I decided to follow the noise and found an open box. I asked Iori what he was, to which he told me, "Ryuuko, that's a music box." I told him I recollected hearing the sound it made, though I couldn't recall the last time I had heard it. I started getting misty-eyed when I thought more about it. As I told him about it, the music box was making me sleepy, so he gave me a piggy-back ride out of the store.

As he was taking me out of there, he told me he had somewhere else to take me and he did. He carried me to a weird place, with these tall-ish stones and an old style kind of fence. It took a little but I realized that we were in a graveyard and that the place was oddly familiar. I asked him why we were here before he told me that I needed to see something. He was carrying me a long way before he stopped.

We were sitting under a cherry tree, in front of a gravestone that I recognized right then and there. Tears started coming and I started recalling why this place was a familiar. I remembered that Sis wasn’t with me and that I was with Butler Dude. I remembered that I was little and I didn’t really understand what was going on, just that I was quieter than usual. I remembered that I was little then and that I was holding Butler Dude's hand. Most of all, I remembered that I was in the Outside. The rest of that memory was foggy but I think that was when I learned that Dad wasn't ever coming home.

In remembering that, I never felt so alone. By that point, much of my family had gone and Sis was all that was left. Of course, now, I have Mom, Iori, and Nui and we're a family but Sis isn't with me, like she wasn't in that memory. I thought about this more when I started drawing lines in the snow next to the where Dad’s grave was. Iori asked why I was doing that and I told him that, with all things considered, it made sense to do.

I started telling him about how I’ll get Sis pretty flowers and that she won’t be alone because she’ll be right where I drew the lines, next to Dad. I told him that it will be a sunny day and not a cloudy one because, for the longest, I wanted to see the sunshine and I actually got see it, hell, I’ve got to play in it. I told him how I’d visit this spot after my lessons with Sugi and that, every time I visit, I’ll tell her everything that I’ve been up to. I wanted to say more than that but I was in tears completely and on my knees.

Iori picked me up and said, “You had a long day, Ryuuko, let’s get home.”

   As he carried me home, I thanked him for taking care of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for getting this out so late, as, between work and other things, I actually took an awful lot of time writing and rewriting this.
> 
> Likewise, I went through a lot of songs to have playing before settling on "Wanderers", as that fit the overall tone later in the chapter
> 
> I'll try to update more frequently but I can't guarantee, just know that this fic isn't dead (as aren't the other ones)


	53. resignition

**Music playing:** _[At Rest](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfQpCbvO02g) _ by Kevin McLeod

* * *

 

My letter was well thought out. The letter was enough to take up an entire notebook but it had everything I wanted to say. Still, nothing I could do in this situation would ever be enough. I am sick and, even if I did survive, I won’t be living anywhere near as long as my sister will. I fought as long and as hard as I could, yet, still, I’m fighting, fighting just to see her again one last time, to experience, at least, what she had and what she could experience, just to know that she’ll be alright if the bitter worse was to come.

As I thought about it, I recalled that I was just tired and I just wanted to rest. I didn't want to do anything, just sleep. As I've said before, I found it better than being awake, especially since I could have my sister in my dreams. Since I was so concerned with sleeping, the doctors wondered if I should be intubate, considering that it was hard to keep me fed and such. Eating was secondary to sleeping and dreaming. Frankly, the idea of doing anything else that wasn't sleeping was tiring and painful. The beginning of the end, I suppose.

In my dreams, I recall that I had my sister and that things were the way they were before or thing were that they never were. My family was intact and I was never sick but, most importantly, in those dreams, I was living the life I couldn't right alongside Ryuuko. I was there, watching her grow up, live her life, and culminating in her looking after me once we reached our twilight years. When I awoke, a bitter realization would wash over me and it was that, in no way, is this dream feasible.

I was never guaranteed to survive as long as I did and I did, I beat the odds, despite it all, but, here I am, fighting just have one last day with my sister. The same sister I had wronged and so damaged.The sister to whom I wanted to protect. The sister to whom I loved but failed. The sister who clung to me, despite it all.  The sister to whose life and opportunities I have stolen to sate my own fear, resentment, and selfishness. And the sister to whom I'd leave behind.

I wondered, now, if her forgiveness, as I lay here, sick and dying, would be mercy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went through a few songs when it came to deciding but, so far, "At Rest" is the song that fit the best, especially since this chapter is so short.


	54. What she held within

**Music Playing:** _[Embers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfQwT3Dr-r8) _ by Helen Jane Long

* * *

 

About two days after Iori brought me to the store and then Dad’s grave, I found Mom crying. The other two weren’t up, yet, and neither was I but her crying woke me up. I didn’t know what to do besides to go see what the matter was. I was quiet but she noticed me anyway, watching her. She didn’t do what Sis did and let me sit next to her. I asked her why she was upset, to which she told me that she blamed herself. Besides leaving us, I didn’t get exactly what she was blaming herself, as whatever she did wrong was over and done now, so I asked, “For what?”

“For bringing your sister into the world.”

“Why’s that something to be upset about?”

“Because she’s sick and I brought her into this world knowing the risks.”

“Oh.”

“After losing two babies, I very much wanted to be a mother, so, despite everything, I went ahead with my pregnancy with her, despite the complications.”

“Complications?”

“Yes, complications. My pregnancy with her was a risky one and I wound up delivering her early or, rather, a little past early, but she was born sick and tiny."

"...."

"I blamed myself especially for that. I was hopeful and we loved her very much."

 "Hmm...."

"I don't regret having her, my sweet, I just regret that she suffered so much."

  She told me a lot of other things but she said the worst thing about it all was that there wasn't anything she could do to make it better in the long run of things. She said a lot of other things but, mostly, she just said she couldn't fix what happened then, just that she could keep now from getting worse. She promised me that she'd do her absolute best to take care of us and that she be damned if she couldn’t keep that promise. She said she failed in some of the worse ways and leaving was one of those ways.

   I didn’t know what to say to her, so I just clung to her because that was the only thing I could do. Clinging made sense and I wanted to make everything better. While I clung to her, I asked her about me and she told me, “I was scared for you, too, scared that I’d lose you, like I did two others.” She told me that she was afraid I’d be born like Sis and was very happy that I wasn’t. “You were born perfectly healthy,” she said, “and we were eternally grateful. My grief about that is that Satsuki relied on you too much for all these years.”

Some things I wish I knew and some things, I wish I never knew.


	55. Music-Box

**Music playing:**   _[Promise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSZ4hEk8_Dw) _ by Kyoto Music Box Ensemble

* * *

 

I had an odd ass dream. In that dream, there was a box like the one in the store that played music. It was a fluffy sort of dream and the tune it played sounded familiar but different than the one in the store. In the dream, I was pretty little and Dad was there but Mom wasn’t. I don’t remember much else besides I was sitting on the floor, wearing red polka-dot pajamas. Sis had one of those bands around her wrist. I wasn’t sure what else to do at that age, so, in that dream, I crawled over and grabbed onto Sis’ leg.

She was making weird sounds while she sat in that chair, her eyes opening and closing, staring out of the window, with that music-box playing. I was holding onto Sis so tight before the dream and the music-box faded away into light and fireflies. I don't remember much else besides that I woke up with tears coming off my face.

If I remembered it right, I was trying to make Sis feel better and I didn’t know how. I suppose, in that dream, it wasn’t that I could make things better, it was the fact that I didn’t know how, either way I tried. As I was thinking about that, I remembered that music-box and then I started to remember how Sis listened to it on that day until I was six or seven, probably five.

Some part of me had to find that music-box or at least one like it but mostly I wanted to know why she stopped playing it. I suppose I didn’t have to know why. Sis didn’t want reminders of that whole thing and, now that I remembered it, the curtains weren’t always closed but they got to be that way over time.  I remembered how things started to change a little bit at a time. I remembered where she started talking to Butler Dude and that's why our door got five deadbolts. I never did really understand why she did that besides that she was terrified of the Outside. Now that I thought about it, there were a few things in the house missing but I couldn’t recall what those things were, though, thinking more about it, they were probably pictures.

 In remembering that music-box, I remembered that, to Sis, the Outside, Mom, and things related to that, didn’t exist and she didn’t want it to.

 I couldn’t exactly think of why but I guess her memories hurt her more than mine hurt me.


	56. "Piggy-back"

After a spell of tears the day after that, Iori told me he'd carry me on his back and we'd walk around town. I was confused as to how and why he wanted to do that but I just went with it. I put my coat on and he put me on his back. We were walking with Mako and Nui before Iori asked me what was on my mind. I told him that I didn't really want to talk about it but Mako told me I had much to talk about. She was right, I did, but I didn't wanna think about it, so I told her that I didn't want to talk about it.

"But you gotta let it out, at some point." she said. Okay, can't fight her on that. I told her that I didn't want to talk about what I was thinking about, especially since I didn't even want to think about Sis anymore. Of course Nui asked me why and I told her, "It hurts." Iori told me that a lot of things'll hurt thinking about her but he told me that I can't just stop thinking about her. I told him that I wanted to because it hurt and I didn't like being hurt or wanting to throw up.

"Yes, lots of things to do with your sister hurt."

“I don’t want to feel the hurt anymore, fellas.”

“I know but feeling that hurt is normal.”

“I don’t like a lot of normal things, ‘ri.”

“No, you don’t but, if you make yourself try to stop feeling the hurt, it’ll make it much worse.”

“How you know?”

“Well, when my mother died, I wanted to stop thinking about her but, when I tried to it, it made it worse. It hurt, especially since I was so young then but it hurt even worse when I tried to stop, so I still thought about her.”

"I want the hurt to stop, 'ri."

"Yes, you do, but, while it won't stop, it'll hurt less. With all things considered, Sis doesn't have much time left, so, perhaps, it's best to remember that she loves you more than anything and would rather you be okay.”

At that point, I started to cry but, while I started crying, I stopped because I started coughing. I was coughing like I couldn't get air in for about three minutes before I went back to normal. That freaked the other ones out and Iori said, "Okay, that's it, let's get you home."

The next day, Mom took me to the doctor and, after getting checked for everything, she couldn't find anything wrong with me. She had no other explanation, besides that I "got too excited" was all. Mom took me home and I climbed back in Sis' bed. I was curled up in a ball, tight as can be, pretending Sis was there, holding in me in her arm, letting me know things would be okay.

That hurt more.


	57. "good-bye"

**Music Playing:** _[Where Heaven Ends](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4xMvo3P-AE) _ by  Alan Sylvestri

* * *

 

I had another weird dream. This dream had Sis in it.

She looked different than the other dreams because she seemed to be a kid again and she had that band around her wrist like one of the pictures. She was sick like she was when I last saw her and even weirder was that the both of us were in the Outside. Sis, if I remember right, hated the Outside. She looked like she was a weird mix of sad, happy, and okay and she was sitting next to me. She didn’t really say anything but she rested her head on me, where I felt her tears. I wanted to ask what was going on but I couldn’t find it in me. Somehow, she knew that I wanted to ask but she didn’t say anything, except that she took my hand.

Things were quiet and it was a fluffy dream. We were like that for a the entire time before her hand let go of mine. She was standing up and then she turned into a butterfly, fluttering around, before she landed on me. After that bit, she flew away.

I woke up crying and coughing. I didn’t really understand but it was hitting me pretty hard. In that dream, Sis was telling me _“Good-bye”_ because she knew that she didn’t have much time left. I didn’t wanna believe it. I knew it but I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to make everything right but making everything right wasn’t going to make Sis well again. I wanted her to stay, to come home, and be with us like a family again but that’s never gonna happen, not matter what I tried or wanted to.

   She was dying and she was saying “Good-bye”


	58. Letting Go

**Music Playing:** _[Akatsuki no Yona (Morning Dew ver.)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l80KD4xKEzo) _

* * *

 

Christmas came and, to be honest, I had a blast, even though I was sad over Sis. New Year’s came, too, and I realized I didn’t like fireworks. The snow melted and disappeared and then flowers started coming. After a while of being busy and such, Mom took me to see Sis at St. Catherine’s. At first, I didn’t want to go but I felt like I had to. It was a quiet sunny day and there was flowers starting on the trees. At that point, I didn’t really see that her room had an upstairs porch. Sis just looked tired and Mom decided give us a time alone.

She wasn't looking at anything until I came in the room. Besides being tired, she seemed to be better, even though everything was bad, but she still had tubes in her. I told her I missed her and, even though she didn't say it, I knew she missed me, too. I wasn't there with her long before I caught her looking out of the glass door on her upstairs porch. Sis, up until now, never looked out of windows, except that one time, when she was a kid. Without telling me, she wanted to look at the flowers starting on the trees. Of course, doing that wasn't going to work without her going to the Outside.

She didn't fight it when I pushed her wheelchair on that upstairs porch, in the Outside. There was a chair on that porch and I set it up next her. She stared at everything goggle-eyed and crap. The Outside scared her, scared her more than anything, but, she didn't seem to be scared, actually, she seemed to just be okay, looking at the flowers, looking at them as though she hadn't seen flowers before. She was like she was in that dream I had a little while ago. She took my hand again and rested her head on mine, her long black hair falling down her face.

When she did that, I felt her tears and her breathing felt weird. We weren't in the Outside long before I heard her take a deep breath and then she went still.

* * *

_Honestly, I never anticipated that the outside world could be beautiful. Thank you, Ryuuko._

* * *

I got scared and started screaming for Mom. Doctors and nurses came and took her. They did everything and they managed to save her but Sis wasn't out of the woods. The doctors told us that, even though she made it, she doesn't have a long time and wouldn't live too much long after that day. They couldn't tell us how long she'd live, just that her days were numbered, telling us that she could live for about five months or five years, either way, she wouldn't live as long as I would, so she'd be long gone by the time I got a certain point. While they were telling us that, the nurse told me that Sis had something she wanted to give me, a notebook.

With Sis at the hospital, Mom took me home. I sat in Sis' room with that music box playing and I decided to read what in that notebook. Iori, Nui, and Mako were with me, as I read it. Some of the letters were smudged some but I could make out what she said. It was a bunch of things she wrote but it was everything that she wanted to say and, most of all, she wrote that she loved me, that things will be okay, even if she's not there anymore. For a moment, while I wanted to scream, I could feel her there, so I closed the notebook and cried, while I was being held. While I was crying, Nui said, "Look, outside, thewe's a butterfwy." That butterfly was the prettiest thing that we had seen that day.

 

When it flew away, I started to feel a bit better about everything. I realized that the Outside dangerous but it was beautiful, like the flowers in the trees. I realized things did become right again, even if they weren't the same. I wasn't alone because Mom, Mako, Iori, Nui, and Sugi were there, and that things will be okay. 

In the end, I realized that I could let her go.

_"Thanks Sis."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I thought about having Satsuki die but, as I wrote this, I realized that I liked this ending much better, as, Satsuki's still there, even if she won't live as long as Ryuuko will, so the story ends on a bittersweet note.
> 
> I suppose writing this and it's ending turned out to be cathartic, as during writing, I found out my sister was diagnosed with lupus (an autoimmune disease that one can acquire late in life), in which case, some of Ryuuko's feelings mirrored how I felt about the whole situation.
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> \----Amoridere (◡‿◡✿)


End file.
